(As in: everything makes you want to, and your kids do nothing but)

Category Archives: hyper kids

Everyone has regrets. If they say they don’t, it’s bullshit.

That one time you drank so much you threw up in some dude’s bathroom sink? If you don’t regret it, chances are good you’re still doing it.

I can’t tell you how many time I’ve heard someone say, “I don’t regret anything, because my mistakes made me who I am today.”

Well, who I am today has shitty eyebrows. Plucking the hell out of them starting at age 12? Yeah, I regret that. I can’t get that back.

I want Jennifer Connelly caterpillar brows and that ship has sailed.

connelly eyebrows

I regret using baby oil in my effort to transform into another ethnicity when I was in high school. I was dark and mysterious, and growing secret sunspots deep underneath that glowing tan.

dark and mysterious

Like a dormant “I told you so”, they’ve arrived to tell me that being WHITE was okay.

I regret getting a Journalism degree. I remember when one of my mother’s big wig Time Warner bosses warned me to stay out of the biz. I burst into tears after dinner and told my mom, “It’s too late! I’m a Junior in college!”

Bwooohahahaha. Too late? If only I could go back and bitch slap my former self and choose public relations instead.

Even better, I would go back and tell 8 year old me to get over the math mental block and start to really excel at science and computers.

I am fortunate none of my regrets landed me in handcuffs or with something that causes periodic “outbreaks.”

But, the regrets continue even today.

I regret that I wore flip flops recently to work and bit it on the stairs.

I regret just about any outfit I choose in the morning halfway through the day.

I am currently regretting growing my hair out. I successfully made it through the Patrick Swayze stage and have now entered the wet dog phase.

Perfectly dry. Still looks like this:

wet dog

I regret putting my son in undies at his request last night. I was sopping up pee pee and stuffing Despicable Me minions and soggy shark slippers into the washing machine.

huck pee pee

Now to the mother of all regrets.

I adore my children. They are my reason for being. I literally could not live without them. I wouldn’t trade them for anyone else’s children. Mine are exceptional. They are sunshine and laughter and all that is right with this messed up world.

That does not stop me from having brief moments of regret. I mostly regret being ill-equipped to handle the little bastards.

As they both sob in the backseat of the car during a dueling temper tantrum or when a battle over some crappy 99 cent toy from Target escalates to toddler fisticuffs, I genuinely question my ability to be a good parent.

I regret not having them younger, so maybe I could better handle their perpetual insanity.

I regret not having them older, when perhaps I would be better at letting things go.

I sometimes regret having them so close together. Double the diapers. Double the wailing. Double the daycare cost. As they get older, definitely double the trouble.

cupcake tutu double

I will never regret having my children. But, that didn’t stop me from saying to my husband the other day, “I don’t think I want kids. What do I do now?” (A joke, of course. Kind of. Seriously, a joke.)

Talk about “No Backsies.”

Can’t take a Mulligan on human beings.

No Safe Haven for the little boy you can’t seem to potty train.

huck crazy

No Indian giving with the little girl with the bad-ass, pre-teen attitude at 4 years old.

Thankfully, we waded through hell and high water to have these babies.

Otherwise, I might start to daydream about going all runaway bride the next time my daughter says, “I don’t like you anymore” because I told her she couldn’t wear her pink cupcake tutu to go to the park.

runaway bride


Au Revoir husband!

Bonjour misery!

I prepared my lunch for work the night before.

I woke up at 5:30 a.m.

I was ready to leave by 6 a.m.

The kids were ready to leave by 6:30 a.m.

All of this was the case, yet I still managed to arrive at work a whopping 45 minutes late!

Loading the kids into the car:

Alma demands to “squeeze through” her brother’s side to get to her carseat.

Huck starts whining and fighting me because I won’t let him buckle the belt by himself.

Alma is refusing to sit down so I can buckle her because she needs me to lay the bottom buckle FLAT before she can sit down.

On the way to daycare:

I hit an intersection near the high school where a cop is directing traffic. By directing traffic, I mean letting EVERYBODY but me go.

traffic cop

How is that more effective than an accurately timed light? Now, some of us get shafted and others arrive early and it’s all determined by one pudgy dude with a badge.

After sitting for maybe 15 minutes, he waves me through with a smile. (asshole)

At daycare:

Alma wants to take multiple sips of her Orange Juice before getting out of the car.

Huck is outraged because I won’t let him UNbuckle the belt.

He starts screaming as I drag him toward the building.

Alma starts screaming because I’m not holding her hand as we walk the four steps from my car to the sidewalk. (I couldn’t because I was carrying her backpack.)

I march them bawling, into a room full of perfectly well-behaved children. The daycare worker swings around and shoots me an evil glare as I run to put the kid’s backpacks on their hooks.

Then Huck’s crying becomes more plaintive. Apparently, HE is supposed to hang his backpack up.

Alma has tears streaming down her cheeks and is hiccuping air, incapable of even explaining why she’s so upset.

Back on the road:

4-way stops where no one has a clue whose turn it is to GO. School zones. School buses picking up kids. Uneven lanes and construction.

four way stop

Voila! 45 minutes late.

It’s not like I have a job where EVERY single second LITERALLY counts. (I do. Google “backtiming.”)

I spill an entire cup of crappy office coffee on my desk. (and my purse)

I have to leave early to get to the daycare before they close and start charging PER MINUTE.

At least I get to see their shining smiles when I pick them up, until my son starts chanting “I want daddy!” at home.

i want daddy

One of the only upsides to a husband out of town is the chance to consume enough garlic to ward off vampires states away.

vampire

I made sure to buy garlic on my lunch break and came home to find the last onion is gone. I only needed ONE onion. There is no way I’m schlepping the kids in their pajamas to Target for a damn onion.

In the morning, I once again have to drag my sleeping children from their beds. Unless they’re tending to the crops, it seems so wrong to wake up toddlers before dawn.

kids on farm

I’m prying pj’s off kids practically in comas. I feel like a date rapist.

huck sleeps

I’m hoisting their limp bodies up to the sink to brush their teeth like a scene from Weekend at Bernie’s.

weekend at bernies

They can’t hit a snooze button, so they tend to hit me.

The worst part? We spend all week setting their little internal alarm clocks so Saturday morning they inevitably wake up at the crack of dawn.

But, look how cute they are, RIGHT?

alma huck morning


I attended a rave for kids over the weekend!

But, first let’s recount another epic restaurant failure.

We took the kids to Lee Roy Selmon’s for lunch.

Huck was asleep when we arrived. I wish he had stayed that way.

As soon as the food arrives, he wakes up pissed off and starts crying. My husband tells him to stop crying or he will get time out. So, he starts WAILING.

Then, my daughter starts crying because I told her she can’t have any birthday cake at my niece’s birthday party because she’s refusing to eat anything but Mac ‘N Cheese.

Can 3 year olds get scurvy? I bet mine can.

scurvy

I have literally eaten a few bites of food before my husband is trying to hail down the waitress to get the check and I’m shuttling two screaming kids out of the restaurant.

Outside, in the blistering heat, I use distraction techniques to shut them up.

“Do you hear a plane?”

“Look, a lizard!”

It works until we get to the car, when my daughter starts being a giant Jackass. Every 2 seconds, she’s saying “mommy.”

“Mommy, get my Cinderella dress off the floor.”

“Mommy, I want juice.”

“Mommy, I’m being good now so I can have birthday cake.” (Oh, hell no you can’t.)

“Mommy, I want a snack.” (Go, F-yourself you little meatless, veggieless, fruitless monster.)

We took my food to go so I could eat it in the car, but my blood pressure is soaring and I know if I eat I am going to be trapped in a bathroom, destroying the toilet at the bowling alley for my niece’s party.

Which brings me to the rave.

We arrive earlier than anticipated since lunch was cut so short. We take them to the arcade area and try to show how them how to play Skee Ball.

They suck.

skee ball

We take a shot at air hockey.

Alma refuses to play.

Huck sits on the table and my husband accuses me of trying to injure our son because I hit the puck too hard.

air hockey

We walk over to the party once it’s started. Seconds after the obligatory round of cheek-kissing, they shut off the lights.

I am blinded by neon and can no longer see my children.

The theme is candy.

candy theme

Tweens are running around sucking on ring candy and I’m having a flashback to the time I ended up at a rave, sitting miserably against the wall with some douche bag spinning glow sticks in front of my face saying, “Are you rolling? You’re so rolling. Are you rolling?” (For the record, I was NOT.) (That same night I ended up in the women’s bathroom with some chick who asked if I was having fun. I told her, “Not at all.” She offered me cocaine.)

rave chick

So, now I am desperately trying to herd my children around the table where I’m sitting on one of the most uncomfortable, perpetually swiveling chairs.

I am envisioning their melon heads being shattered by some pre-adolescent boy wildly swinging a bowling ball.

My daughter is repeatedly refusing to drink fruit punch because she wants juice. Abuela offers her the same drink and calls it juice. Alma drinks it and loves it. (Then snidely says, “Mommy, it’s not fruit punch. It’s juice, see?”)

I’m digging apart pieces of crappy, overpriced pizza for my son, the tomato sauce burning through my hangnail. (Pizza that I cannot eat because I am lactose intolerant.)

There’s some pizza-faced, “slow” girl who works for the bowling alley lurking around to make sure the correct number of adults are bowling at each lane. I resist the urge to trip her. I mean, it’s dark. No one will see, right?

I love bowling and I’m pretty darn good at it. Doing it basically blindfolded while trying to keep my toddlers from being abducted by potential pervs?

Not fun.

I buy a pitcher of shitty beer. It does not make me feel better.

My son has been given a little birthday balloon on a plastic stick. He proceeds to hit himself in the eyeball with the stick. (2 days later and it’s still red)

Awesome, now I’ve blinded my son for the sake of a little kid rave.

My daughter is hopped up on candy (Candy is not birthday cake, she has informed me.) and I am still STARVING.

sugar crack alma

Sugar crack face.

In the car, my spoiled leftovers smell like cheesy, unclean, fat person butt. (Which surprisingly does not keep me from being HUNGRY.)

We have no food at home. I get groceries. I cook. I hate everything.

The next day, my husband needs to get some work done so I end up taking the kids to see the new Planes movie.

planes

I’m down with talking dogs. I can even chill out with phallic-looking Muno and his genital warts.

muno

They lose me at communicating planes, helicopter and tractors.

My son is demanding to “walk around” during the movie.

My daughter drops her smuggled banana bread onto the floor.

At one point, she’s sitting on the floor, sticky with God knows what and I DON’T CARE.

I come home to find my husband still working and I die a little inside.

We manage to wrest him away from the computer long enough to hit up the mall park.

It smells rancid, like hot, unwashed hair.

Big kids are trying to jump from a giant fake hotdog to a giant fake Coke cup, threatening to squash my tiny tots running in between. My husband yells at them to stop and other parents are looking at his NRA hat suspiciously.

My son poops and I take him to the family restroom and discover we don’t have any wipes in the diaper bag. I am wiping him with Starbucks napkins, hoping other parents don’t notice. Within minutes of being back inside the park, he poops again.

We have to leave because there are no more Starbucks napkins.

Now, Alma starts screaming because we didn’t take them on the cars outside the park. (The little motorized cars that we refuse to pay for so they can jiggle from side to side. I always tell them to just get inside and enjoy their Goddamned imaginations.)

At home, Alma wants to blow bubbles outside even though it’s blazing hot.

alma bubbles

I suffer for ten minutes, drenched in sweat. Then, I take her to look at animals at the pet store and buy a coloring book at the craft store. We emerge into a torrential downpour.

My husband works through the entire night.

He’s going out of town this week.

I watch Ray Donovan alone after the kids are asleep and cry into a glass of wine.

Looking on the bright side, there’s half a bottle left.

wine


Forget blood, sweat and tears. My weekend was all poop, sweat and tears. I’m starting to think that’s a far worse combo.

My son seems to have mastered pee pee on the potty. There’s the occasional partial tinkle in the undies, followed by completion on the pot.

For the most part, there are no puddles accumulating in our house.

Poop is another story altogether.

I’m starting to think he’s terrified to poop on the toilet, so he’s holding it in for as long as he can and then it sneaks out in increments. That’s the only possible explanation for the impressive number of times he pooped in his undies over the weekend.

At some point, we’re going to have to break down and start washing the undies. We’ve been tossing them in the trash. It’s so terribly difficult to want to hand-scrub shit off someone’s underwear. Anyone’s underwear. But, for such a small amount of material, those little Superhero skivvies are EXPENSIVE.

huck potty

There was a pee pee incident when we went to a restaurant for lunch with the kiddos. (where the food was double-fried disgusting)

My husband took Huck to the restroom, he peed and within ten minutes of coming back to the table, he peed in his pants. I guess he wanted to leave as badly as we did.

My husband tells me he also stomped on the pee that puddled on the floor of the bathroom, so his socks were soaked in urine.

We didn’t bring any boy socks, so he ended up wearing hot pink socks with chicks on them under his cowboy boots. (An aside: He loved the socks.)

The kids played outside on a playground that couldn’t possibly be up to code. There were plywood steps, rotting from water exposure. The kids periodically ran back to the deck where we were because they were terrified of the bees. (Which were actually flies.)

flies

We took the kids to play putt putt golf.

In Florida.

In August.

We are not a couple overcoming the challenges of parenting with mental disabilities. We’re just stupid.

huck golf

Not only is it difficult to teach toddlers how to properly use a golf club and avoid water hazards, it’s nearly impossible to keep them from falling off faux cliffs when there is sweat literally dripping into your eyes.

alma golf

Afterward I asked Alma if she had fun. She said, “No, it was too hot.”

Awesome.

To cap off the weekend, there was a 4:30 a.m. Monday morning wake up call. My daughter was bleating like a sheep because she couldn’t find her Rainbow Dash pony.

It was right next to her in the bed.

alma awake

I fell back asleep and had a nightmare that I couldn’t pull off a Frozen birthday party for her.

elsa evil

I can’t wait to trade in all the poop, sweat and tears for some sleep, peace and quiet.


me and mckenzie

As I held my new niece for the very first time, I marveled at her perfect little face and how fragile and tiny she was. I was impressed by her full head of hair and the tiny lips already poised to smile in her sleep.

Then, I was relieved that she wasn’t mine.

Maybe it’s because the entire drive to Orlando, my children kept throwing their respective Spiderman and Hello Kitty balls on the floor of the car and whining that I needed to pick them back up.

alma ball

The big mark in the middle of her head is a bruise she got when a kid hit her with a swing. She is not a Klingon.

Maybe it’s because my daughter wouldn’t stop yelling and waking her little brother up once he finally fell asleep.

Maybe it’s because my son threw a temper tantrum in the hospital room and started kicking me, then his Nana and then anyone in his general vicinity.

Or, maybe it was watching my daughter cower in front of her own family, melting into nothing because she was uncomfortable about the presence of a baby. She chose to peer out the window as if there was nothing more fascinating than the rooftop of the building next door.

alma window

Maybe it’s the dozen times this past weekend that I had to peel soggy undies over my son’s little legs. (along with a couple chunky poops) To say he’s regressed is an understatement. We’re starting from scratch.

huck potty training

It’s chocolate. Not poop.

Maybe it’s the previous day when we made the mistake AGAIN of going to the beach. We chose a closer one, but that didn’t stop my daughter from complaining about the duration of the trip.

Once we set up our mobile beach home, it wasn’t the sound of waves crashing on the shore or seagulls that filled the air.

It was, “There’s wind in my eye!” “There’s sunscreen in my eye!” “There’s sand on my hands!” “I want my shoes on!” “I want to go in the water!” “I want to go on the sand!” “I want more oranges!” (“We’re out of oranges, honey.” “I want more oranges!!!!”) “Put me deeper in the water!” “Take me closer to the shore!” “My belly hurts!”

All I could think is THANK GOD I have a week off coming up for my birthday. My plan was to have several days of “me time” with stress free trips to the beach, naps and reading for more than ten minutes without passing out from exhaustion. Then, we were going to do our first weekend without the kids since they were born. Stay at a hotel with a pool, drink too much, sleep too much and remember how much we actually enjoy each other’s company.

We drop off the kidlets at my in-laws after the beach so we can grab a couple of adult beverages and drink off the feeling that having kids at all was a giant mistake.

The first thing my mother-in-law says is that they’re heading to Vegas to celebrate their anniversary… the weekend of my birthday when we were going to get away. I die a little inside.

While having drinks, I tell my husband that life will get easier once Huck gets potty trained and that all I need is several days in a row where I can really work with him.

Big mistake. Now, it looks like instead of a staycation, I will be cleaning up piss and shit for a week. Can I just work instead?

So, yeah… that new baby smell does NOTHING for me. I’ll just use baby powder.

The cute itsy bitsy clothes? I’ll buy Alma a doll.

The thrilling feeling of bringing another human being into the world? Been there, done that, twice.

Maybe I would feel differently if one of my kids had been a dud. Maybe we hit the jackpot of batshit crazy and annoying. Maybe we’re not strict enough. Maybe it wouldn’t feel so difficult if I didn’t have to wrap up a shitty weekend and head back to a wretched job.

I love my children, but they are the little sticks of dynamite that have blasted my biological clock.

dynamite

All that’s left are gears and cogs, tears and daydreams.

mckenzie and matt

Congratulations to my big brother and his wife… and good luck with that.


Picture a koala bear whining perpetually. koala Or a turtle neck sweater that cries for no reason. turtle neck Or the Incredible Hulk keeping a mom in a headlock while EXCLUSIVELY wearing skirts. the hulk This is my daughter. She is going through a phase (Dear God, let it be a phase) where she is beyond clingy.

She is single-handedly bringing back the choker necklace of the 90’s by BECOMING a choker.

alma clingy

I’m afraid I haven’t snapped any photos of her attacking me. Look how deceptively sweet she is!

She repeatedly gets down from the bench during dinner to give me a hug, despite being told repeatedly to withhold affection until after we eat.

She lies on top of me, kicking me over and over and over and then when I finally break down and yell at her she says, “I just want to give you a hug!” (Or kick the shit out of me)

She wants me to carry her, she wants to cook with me, she wants me to color WITH her. Inevitably when we color together, she gets bored and starts scribbling spastically all over whatever masterpiece I’ve created.

Sometimes I feel like instead of giving birth to a child, I actually have a parasitic twin attached to my body.

conjoined twin

Rather than a disturbing visual representation of an underdeveloped conjoined twin (don’t google it) I am showing you Andy Garcia. He had an underdeveloped conjoined twin surgically removed from his shoulder.

I am being manhandled by a blonde troll 24/7. kids Sometimes I feel badly about how irritating I find her demands for constant attention and contact.

The other night I told her it was time to bed after we finished reading and she started to fake cry. I told her to read a book on her own and she went ape crap.

I got annoyed and told her to pull it together.

Then she said, “I can’t read a book on my own, BECAUSE I CAN’T READ THE WORDS!”

Now I’M the dick. It has to be incredibly frustrating to be just a few letter sounds away from being able to read by yourself.

That being said, I am starting to think it’s strange that my children have ZERO ability to entertain themselves. (even together)

As I have previously posted, I suck at pretend.

I harbor a secret desire to burn her dollhouse down.

I can only find so many ways to rearrange the six pieces of furniture.

My mouse family mostly just wants to chill on the couch and watch TV. mouse family Speaking of, my children won’t even watch television alone. They demand to have company to zone out.

I have on more than one occasion plunked my daughter down on the couch, put on a new movie and tried to sneak in a nap in the bedroom. (Door open. I am not a HORRIBLE parent.)

Within ten minutes I will hear the heavy breathing of a small being standing next to me, staring at me, waiting for me to open my eyes.

It’s like I have my own personal serial killer, who is determined to murder me with crappy kid movies.

She won’t even sing without me. If I stop singing Frozen songs because I am doing something totally unimportant like trying to help her little brother poop on the potty, she starts to whisper-sing, looking uncomfortable like she just forgot her lines in the school play.

I probably shouldn’t talk considering that my mother could’ve nicknamed me “the tumor” until I was in high school. But, seriously, was I this annoying?

I’ve started calling her an Australian Sheperd. “The Aussie has considerable energy and drive, and usually needs a job to do.”

That’s my kid.

If you don’t give her a task, she’ll throw a shit-fit and possibly even piss on the rug. (Maybe not, but her temper tantrums ARE escalating.) aussie She is a lovely child. Brilliant, hilarious, spirited and driven.

Now, can someone please borrow her for a couple of hours so I can have a hot date with my husband?


My job might suck sometimes, but it will never be as bad as being a daycare worker.

1. I occasionally have to clean up someone else’s shit. (something they’ve done wrong)

You ALWAYS have to clean up someone else’s shit. diapers 2. When my kid ends up with a boo boo, my initial response is “What did you do?”

When kids end up hurt at daycare, parents come to you and demand to know, “What did you do?”

HUCK BLACK EYE

Huck’s shiner. I made the mistake of telling his pediatrician the next day that he had been “hit by a car.” (neglected to insert the word TOY before car)

3. I sometimes look forward to work as a break from the kids.

You come to work and find EVEN MORE KIDS.

4. If my kid is throwing a massive hissy fit during drop-off, I can walk out that door and head to work.

You are the one left with the hissy fit. huck crying 5. I can take my bored kids to the beach, mall park, shopping or museum.

You have to come up with creative, safe things for a BUNCH of kids to do. creative 6. I am emotionally invested in my children so I find things that they do to be quirky, cunning and clever.

You find them creepy, manipulative and irritating.

7. We can threaten our kids with “pow pow” even if we never spank them.

You have to rely on firm, clean language for discipline. spanking 8. I can celebrate my child’s milestones.

You get one kid potty trained and there’s another little shitter waiting in the wings.

9. I frequently deal with stupid adults.

You deal with stupid adults AND stupid kids.

10. I work in a business where it’s difficult to get promoted.

Your promotion would have to involve NOT working at a daycare anymore. daycare funny In summary: I can’t say enough for the people who work their asses off wiping my children’s asses, teaching them, keeping them entertained and ALIVE for several hours five days of the week all year long. Bless your hearts. (but please stop charging so much)