(As in: everything makes you want to, and your kids do nothing but)

Category Archives: Funny family

I am starting a petition to rename my local children’s museum The Land of Shitty Moms.

A snit between me and some lousy parent nearly came to fisticuffs today.

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She may have been pregnant or just a regular at World of Beer. Either way, I know I would’ve won.

Yeah, she made me that mad.

The first problem: It’s the week where admission is free with your public library card. Apparently people who enjoy free books also believe in a style of parenting that fosters stealing, hitting and general mayhem.

There wasn’t a single toy my children played with that wasn’t snatched from their hands within seconds.

There wasn’t a span of 5 minutes where they weren’t shoved out of their position in a line.

Their requests for a turn with something, no matter how polite, were met with a child holding onto the coveted item with a death grip, flashing an evil grin that would’ve earned them a role in a teen vampire flick.

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But, no single instance of crappy kid-dom got my dander up like the following:

My kids were playing with giant soft blocks.

They are numbered, intended to be used to create an arch.

My kids are bringing me each number in order to stack them up.

As soon as we got three blocks high, some string-bean with a maniacal Joker grin would rush them like she was part of the defensive line.

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She did it once and I waited patiently for the demon seed’s mother to intervene.

The second time, I said, “No, honey we’re trying to build a tower for an arch.”

The third time, I am looking around like, “Where the f*&k is your parent?”

Now, I’m not a complete asshole.

The first time some kid tries to bulldoze mine or treat them like straight poop, I take a deep breath and assume the parent was busy sneezing or wrangling a second child.

But, when it happens over and over, I am damn sure gonna tell your kid to back the f&*k off. (Obviously, in the gentlest way possible.)

Now, this kid’s mom turned out to be just feet away, watching and doing nothing. (In other words, totally approving of her little shit’s behavior.)

In fact, a few seconds later I overheard her say to her tiny psychopath, “They can’t tell you not to play. The kids’ mom is right there. You go ahead and do what you want.”

‘Do what you want?’

Well, therein lies the problem.

Your kid can’t do what she wants. What she wants is to destroy something other kids were playing with. (In the way it was intended to be played with.)

Next, she’s going to “do what she wants” and smother your newborn to death. But, ‘Go ahead honey! Express yourself.’

Now, as for what I want to do when I hear something like this? Well, it could be misconstrued as a published threat against a potentially pregnant woman.

Now, let me be clear, I do not hold similar grudges against other parents of toy-snatching underage assholes.

There were plenty of babies who grabbed a toy from my kids and I simply smiled and gave the “friendly shrug” to their moms.

If your kid is so little, his main objective is to deep throat that phallic fake fruit or use a felt piece of lettuce to wipe away the evidence of a cold accumulating under his nose, no apology needed.

felt cucumber 010 (Yes, I noticed your son, the one with the gooey drainage traveling like a slow-motion river from nose to mouth and was offended. You took your sick kid to a freakin’ packed children’s museum during free week. Thanks a bunch! But, still… you’re not the mom I’m pissed at.)

As a parent, my job is to watch my child’s every move.

I have to make sure no pervert sneaks them off to a public restroom.

I have to make sure no mentally ill woman who miscarried 3 years ago tries to snatch my kid and pawn them off as her own.

But, mostly my job is to make sure my kids don’t act like dicks to yours. I do a damn good job.

All I ask is that you do the same, because if you don’t, I will take over the role.

Several times today I told a small child that wasn’t my own, “You need to take turns.” “You need to ask for a turn.” “You need to wait in line.”

My head was so hot today, all those moms are just lucky I didn’t throw a “f*&Kwad” at the end of those sentences.

Another brief example:

I was at a free music show event for kids at my local library the other day.

A herd of cackling moms sat in the back and talked the WHOLE time. (Great example ladies!)

Meanwhile, the poor guy performing had to yell at one of their kids over and over to sit down.

At one point, the kid pretty much slapped the guy in the face.

The kid’s mom was still laughing away at whatever-the-f&*k with her pals.

Yeah, you weren’t facing some dire circumstances and were looking for a shoulder to cry on and momentarily lost track of your son in a small room during a public performance.

Well, maybe your kid has special needs.

Wait… in which case, you REALLY should’ve been watching him to make sure he didn’t ruin an entire event for a few dozen kids and physically assault the musician.

Here’s what I’ve realized since deciding to make my full-time job raising two children:

I’ve done a darn good job with limited time for the first few years of their lives and a whole lot of other parents are failing miserably with loads of time and they don’t give a crap.

Welcome to life as a stay at home mom.

Welcome to the Land of Shitty Moms.

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My life post retirement at age 34:

I get a full night’s sleep.

I’m sure it won’t always be the case.

There will be earaches, nightmares and Alma launching herself head first from the bed like a circus stuntman.

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But, for now, I’m RESTED.

My children wake up slowly. No screaming, crying and face-smacking over which outfit I choose.

They eat real breakfast!! This morning we made blueberry pancakes and banana pancakes. It might seem like no biggie, but as a former working mom, I feel like a stay at home mom rock star!

We’ve read books together, colored together, gone to the library and flown airplanes.

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We’ve also taken the dogs to the vet, gone to the dentist and hit up the Super Target for batteries and dish soap. So glamorous!

I’m still adjusting to the nasty realities of daily life with petulant midgets, I mean small children.

I spend a shocking portion of my day wiping butts. I had no idea how frequently my kids still pooped. It goes in. It comes out. They have straight guts like unpotty trained puppies.

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I still feel my blood pressure skyrocket when my son cries for no good reason: He hates slip-on shoes, Alma got the yellow straw, he can’t find his Ninja Turtle ball.

I envision drop-kicking our dog like I’m going for a field goal when he barks incessantly during naptime.

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Living in Florida, any of our exercise time means sweating bullets, getting back into the car with sweaty pits, bum, upper lip, no more makeup, hair lookin’ like a swim cap.

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Not a good look. Now I know why some moms find it’s easiest to give up on looking cute. I left my cute in a puddle on a playground.

I can’t say I miss grownup conversation, because even that was rare at my former place of employment.

But, my chats with my son about how his member looks like a castle are not very gratifying.

Other mind-numbing topics include: Why we have nipples, how God made dogs, what veins are.

We have also not made it past the stage where it’s cool to count poop. “Mommy, I did two dem!”

So, fish sticks and temper tantrums.

Sweat stains and poo math.

But, I get to watch my son finally color inside the lines.

I watch my daughter kiss my son’s hand to wake him from his nap.

I get to see the countless tiny moments I’ve been missing for nearly five years.

So worth it.


For Mother’s Day, we went with my in-laws to the beach.

My son is sick, so on the long drive there we enjoyed the soundtrack of incessant hacking punctuated by simultaneous shrieks of “Weeeeee” from both kids whenever we went over a “hill” on the highway.

When we arrived there, we began the Sisyphean task of unloading tents, umbrellas, beach toys, coolers and I began lathering the kids in sunscreen.

When I got to my son’s nose, maybe because he thought I was going to wipe the snot, he freaked out and started smacking me in the face.

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He got an epic car time-out, during which he cried out a bunch of the snot.

I finally got him to stop crying by distracting him by helping pigeons get some water at the shower by the parking lot.

Then halfway to the beach he starts screaming again because he sneezed out more snot.

At the beach, he perks up and has a great time, but my daughter is refusing to go into the water because there are waves.

Never been an issue before. She tells me she’ll go in the ocean when she’s five.

They drop cookies and cheese puffs in the sand, still trying to pick them back up to eat them. I question their common sense.

huck beach

We stay just long enough for it to make sense that we built a second G-D home on the beach before packing up and heading back to the car.

We decide to head to Chili’s with my in-laws, because every other restaurant is packed with mothers.

My son falls asleep just minutes before we arrive.

Lunch starts fine, with him sleeping on my husband’s lap. But, he wakes up moments after the food arrives and starts crying.

My mother-in-law assumes it’s because he’s sick, but NO. He ALWAYS wakes up like that.

So, I take him outside for a stroll, to watch cars whiz by and interrogate him.

“Do you want juice?” “Do you want chips?” “Do you need to go potty?” “Do you want corn on the cob?” “Do you want two-for-one margaritas?”

He goes with juice, so we head back inside where he refuses to leave my lap, so I cannot eat.

The juice (and my daughter’s chocolate milk) arrive just in time for us to leave. That earns the waiter instant dick status.

At home, you’d think my son would get back to that interrupted nap, but no way. He’s up for the long haul now. So, we take a bike ride.

During the bike ride, my daughter decides to ask me why we don’t live forever.

Last time she asked me, “Who made God?”

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Nothing like a relaxing bike ride with Alma.

When we get home, my husband and I trade off struggling through naps and watching the kids.

I want to shout Amen and dance with snakes when bedtime arrives.

dancing with snakes

But, noooooo! Alma says her belly hurts because she’s still hungry.

I struggle between thinking she could possibly be going through a growth spurt and be legitimately hungry and assuming she’s just making up the typical excuses to stay up late. I also don’t want to set the precedent that eating in bed after brushing your teeth is okay.

I offer her “squeeze fruit.” (glorified applesauce) She says she only wants Goldfish.

I tell her she can eat Goldfish, but she has to sit on the floor because she’ll get crumbs in her bed.

I bring her the Goldfish and she starts crying because she says she wanted bread. (I was apparently supposed to deduce this telepathically.)

telepathy

I bring her the bread and leave. Moments later, she’s yelling at me from her room to come and throw away the crust she doesn’t want.

There’s a several minute fight.

“You have two working legs. Throw it away yourself!”

More crying. I find her crumpled on the floor of her room with a wad of crust in her hand. So, I drag her to the bathroom and make her throw it away.

Now, she’s wailing that the chunk of middle bread she wanted was in the pile in the trash. So, I pick it out and send her off.

I start to feel guilty.

I picture her someday telling her college boyfriend about her wretched mother who would send her starving to bed with a mashed up piece of bread plucked from the garbage.

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I go back to her room to talk it out and find her sound asleep, the chunk of bread uneaten inside her curled up little paw. I kiss her cheek and toss it out.

We pick our battles.

My husband I have talked about how incredibly sick we are of constantly telling the kids, “No.”

We do let some stuff slide. In the car ride back from the beach, we let Huck shove crackers from his Lunchable under his seat belt buckle, showering crumbs around my car. Alma was rubbing circles of ham on her thighs.

That’s cool.

Whatever.

I digress.

We finally have the freedom to have a couple of beers and watch some mindless crap on TV when… I hear Alma crying.

She has puked all over her bed, her pajamas, her hair.

It’s a mad dash to bathe her, brush her teeth, wash sheets. (Although my husband tends to just toss stuff in the trash. We lost two fluffy pink blankets last night.)

I threw out the bathmat. Once there are chunks in that thing, there’s no getting it clean.

I disinfect the tub twice over, because Lord knows if one kid gets a stomach bug, we’re all screwed.

She sleeps through the night and I feel like we’re in the clear.

Until I get a text message from my husband this morning that she crapped her undies overnight and several times since.

Now, I spend the entire day at work feeling pressure under my tongue like I’m going to puke.

The paranoia that could inevitably lead to me actually tossing my cookies.

So, that was Mother’s Day.

I did get some lovely earrings and a watch from the husband.


Ahhh, the sleepover.

A quintessential part of the American childhood.

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Just the word “sleepover” probably stirs up fond memories of late-night giggling, poorly painted toe-nails and itchy sleeping bags.

For me, it dredges up the crying jags and calls to come home in the middle of the night.

The panicky realization that I was actually expected to sleep at some point.

The horror of having to pretend to LIKE pizza and ignoring the aching pains that followed due to lactose intolerance.

My top 3 worst sleepover experiences, in no particular order:

SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY

Maybe it was the title of the movie that had the parents confused.

Sleeping, like a “sleepover.”

Maybe I had led a sheltered life, never having seen a movie that was rated R by the tender age of 8.

But, I could not hide my shock and dismay as we huddled onto our friend’s fluffy, pink twin bed and watched Julia Roberts being raped by Patrick Bergin.

sleeping with the enemy

This face will forever haunt me.

The first sex scene I had ever seen and it was a portrait of a violently abusive marriage.

At this age, the mere mention of sex made my throat swell-up with anxiety.

As I’ve mentioned, I grew up in a fundamentalist Christian family and just thinking about sex was likely to earn you a ticket straight to the fiery pits of hell. (At least in my prepubescent mind.)

At first, I tried to nonchalantly cover my eyes.

That wasn’t going to work.

There was audio.

Can’t cover your eyes and ears simultaneously.

So, I did what any other slightly hypochondriacal youngster would do.

I pretended to feel sick, rushed out of the room and spent a good portion of the evening engaging in calming banter with my friend’s mother. (No mention was made of their incredibly poor choice of films for the sleepover.)

(By the way, I adore that movie now. I guess it’s kind of like, ‘I can watch it now without wanting to die or praying for forgiveness! I win!’)

THE MANSION UTI

My father was a math teacher at a prep school for rich kids.

We didn’t have much money (understatement) and frequently found ourselves with incredibly wealthy friends.

One of those kids lived in a mansion with an olympic-size swimming pool, complete with high diving board and an ice cream parlor.

They were having a birthday party for her brother and I swear to God, they had the longest, most phenomenal Slip ‘N Slide I had ever seen. It ended in a pool that was way bigger than the above ground one we had in our backyard.

slide the city

Yes, that’s Slide the City. But, it was totally like that!

Needless to say, I was already intimidated by the home, the toys, the yard, the pool.

Just looking at my friend sitting with perfect posture while playing at her grand piano was enough to make me feel inferior for JUST BEING.

It was around midnight when I started to realize I was suffering from the world’s most wicked urinary tract infection. Dear God, the pain!

I wasn’t keen on being there, but I wanted to impress my rich pal, so I tried to suck it up, tough it out, biting into the provided pillow to try to keep from screaming.

I finally broke down and called my mom and whispered through tears that my private parts were en fuego.

THE PUKE

I’m sure you’re already thinking you can guess how this sleepover went. But, wait!

It was a sleepover at MY house and I was NOT the one who puked.

It was my neighborhood friend.

She ran for the bathroom.

She only made it to the hallway.

It was projectile.

It was shocking.

It was the look on my father’s face while he was sopping it up that I will never forget for as long as I live.

He looked like Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction.

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Or Samuel L. Jackson in Django Unchained.

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Or Samuel L. Jackson in any movie for that matter.

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These and also the glaring facts that some parents are also perverts, some guns are left unlocked and some alcohol is on the bottom shelf are the reasons why I will never (don’t hold me to it) let my kids sleepover.

And your (vomiting) kids can’t stay either.


So, you survived the endless pooping newborn months.

You managed to tackle toddlerhood without your child escaping diaper-clad from your home or flying down a flight of stairs.

Time to celebrate?

No way. Now, you’ve reached the creepy kid stage.

Children are basically small stalkers and perverts and they get a free pass.

Allow me to use my own as examples:

My kids constantly want to watch me bathe. I don’t have a clue what they find so fascinating about my personal bathing habits, but it’s not cool and locking the door is the ONLY option.

They also want to watch me use the potty. Again, my bodily functions don’t vary much from anyone else’s, so I don’t understand their obsession.

They’re also obsessed with their own bodily functions.

Each child, every time without fail, feels the need to share the number and size of their poops. “I did three! One big, two tiny!”

I’m like, ‘Uhhh, I don’t care. I just know I can’t wait until you can effectively wipe your own butt.”

Just about whenever I get my son undressed for his bath, he points to his chest and says, “What’s this?”

“Your nipple?”

“What’s this?”

“Also your nipple.”

“Do you have nipples?”

“Yes.”

“Does Alma have nipples?”… and so on and so forth. Bathtime is one long list of people who have nipples.

Last night, I bent over to pick him up off the couch and he reached into my shirt and said, “I want to touch! Squeeze! Squeeze!” Nothing like getting goosed on the boob by your kid.

They love to share their bodily functions. Alma sees nothing wrong with wiping her snot on my blanket. Occasionally she will drag her hand across my cheek, leaving behind a wet streak. I will ask her why her hand is wet. “I licked it.” (‘Cause that totally makes sense.)

Huck doesn’t mind that I use the bath towel to remove the shit-ton of wax from his ears, as long as I can show him what it looks like afterward so he can say, “Ewwwww.”

Children are also morbid.

The other day as we were walking through the park, I noticed a black snake writhing in the parking lot, it’s head squished by a van that had backed up over it. I tried to urge Alma to walk away and she started whining, “I want to see it! I want to see it!”

She also told me about a classmate who killed a lizard at school. She went into graphic detail about how he chopped off its head.

Then she told me that same story again… and again… and again.

Children are not only creepy, stalking, morbid, perverts. They also know how to REALLY bring the awkward.

Randomly the other day, Alma turned to me and said, “So, when I grow up will I have someone in my belly?”

It’s sweet that she already aspires to become a mother someday. It’s adorable that she’s planning her brood. It’s totally NOT a conversation I want to delve into with my FOUR year old.

In conclusion, you thought you were done with the yuckiest part of parenting? Nope, now they can just TALK about all the nasty stuff that comes with being human. Welcome to Kids Are Creepy.


Here’s my riddle. I am in desperate need of something that flies without wings.

There’s a fine line between having a life that’s moderately difficult and a life that’s nearly unbearable.

The former can be greeted with an acerbic sense of humor. The latter cannot be greeted with anything other than a veritable sledgehammer of curse words, an inordinate amount of alcohol and a river of tears.

Lately, I have found it increasingly challenging to manage my life with shrugs, snickers and snarky comments.

I’ve read articles recently about the curse of having a “Threenager.”

fournager

I have a Fournager. See? It’s not even funny because there is no word for a child who has gone from being willful to unmanageable and is also four.

I am bombarded with comments about how her stubbornness and crappy attitude will someday allow her to become a powerful, confident woman. It is of little comfort when I am currently tossing her “powerful” butt in time-outs all day long, every bedtime is a battle of wills and we’ve been forced to swear off all public outings.

alma and huck

Don’t get me wrong, she still melts my heart by telling me I’m her best friend and randomly cuddling up to say, “I like you, mommy.”

But, lately, she’s destroying my life.

I can’t take a bath without the sound of her shrieking upon getting another time-out.

I can’t make it through dinner without her playing with her spoon, flicking her food to the dogs and shouting “Huck touched me!”

I can’t take the kids somewhere fun without her demanding a toy. Since when did it become a requirement to have a commemorative purchase when you go to a Jump Zone?

Huck is not absolved of all guilt.

The other day I heard them arguing about “who won” in the race to get upstairs. (They both say they won no matter who gets to the top first and then fight about it.) Moments later, I heard the loud smack of Huck’s hand across Alma’s face.

Even when he’s not pummeling her, she’s fake crying over something he did.

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We refer to this as a “unicorn.” A magical, fleeting moment where they were playing without fighting.

When he finds out I’m not the one putting him to bed at night, he slaps the air and grunts. If I am in close enough proximity, he slaps me too. Another time-out! Yay!

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I am sure every parent has been there at some point, but it feels like the kids are conspiring against us right now.

They’re determined to suck the joy out of every single moment of the day and let me tell you, my days suck pretty hard long before I get home in the evening.

Not to mention all the fun times involved with cool stuff like earaches.

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I have tried so many different methods of discipline and parenting (Without spanking, can’t bring myself to get there yet.) to no avail.

The only explanation I can come up with is that they have so little respect for us because we’re… just… not… there.

We’re paying a hodgepodge of day care workers to raise our kids for pretty much the entire day, five days a week.

I can only wonder if I would find better ways to get them to behave if I was actually able to monitor their behavior, their food and their naps every day.

Maybe they’re tired.

Maybe they’re eating too much sugary crap at school.

Maybe they’re harassed all day by whiny brats and no one is there to intervene, so they become whiny little brats when they get home.

Maybe they just don’t respect us because we’re just not there.

It’s a long shot, but Lord knows, I don’t blame the kids. If children behave badly, it’s invariably the parent’s fault, right?

So, now on top of the misery of long commutes and long days at work and long and repeated time-outs, I am wracked with the guilt of feeling like a failure as a parent.

So, if anybody wonders why lately I’m not a font of hysterical anecdotes and amusing quips about my adorable family, that’s why.

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I need… more… time.


The real story behind the sweet pictures of our Sunday trip to the zoo.

(Worth noting: My son was sick the night before and we were up with him every hour until he woke up for good at 4 a.m.)

Things started off remarkably well.

The first animal we saw was some kind of warty hog that had buried himself under a pile of hay with only his rotund rump exposed. Despite this, my daughter shouted with glee, “This place is fun!”

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We dodged dive bombing parrots inside the aviary.

We saw white rhinos, including the enormous lumbering bull that my daughter was determined to call the “mommy rhino” despite some obvious danglage of dude parts.

Both kids were amped inside the exhibit I call “Snakes and bugs and stuff.”

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We made our way through the shrimpy funk at the stingray tank and got splashed by mungy water during a feeding.

Then, Alma made her first demand for a toy.

Here we go.

I tell her she has enough toys at home.

She says she wants a different toy.

I say she should start to learn to enjoy the experience of being somewhere fun without taking home a token toy.

Her attitude shifts and the next thing I know she takes a swat at my husband with her bunny.

I take her bunny away and tell her she has to apologize for hitting him with it and she bursts into tears.

She’s crying hysterically while we walk past the flamingos and coy pond.

People are staring, but I am not backing down.

Eventually, she apologizes and we recover on the carousel.

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Afterward, Huck wants to go on the tiger train rollercoaster and we’re pumped when we see that he’s over the required height.

Alma and I stand by to take pictures while the boys wait in line and then I see them come back out of the line.

Huck is crying.

They’ve told him he has to be 3. My husband told them he turns 3 next month and they still turned him away.

We try to appease Huck with a watermelon icee and he’s NOT HAVING IT. He’s grunting like a gorilla and swatting the air.

“Do you want to go to the petting zoo?” “Do you want to see more animals?” “Are you hungry?” “Do you need medicine?”

With every question, he does an angry Michael Jackson moonwalk away from me.

moonwalk

I finally get him to calm down enough to take a spoonful of the melted icee and he promptly gets brain freeze and spews it across the ground outside the penguin exhibit and starts screaming.

Moments later, Alma starts choking on her icee. This is just SO MUCH FUN.

Later, we’re standing in line waiting for the “train” (hoping to make Huck feel better) that takes you around the zoo for a brief and underwhelming tour. The kids are eating Doritos, which means mostly just dumping them along the walkway and stomping them into tiny pieces.

Of course while we’re waiting in line, they notify us one of the trams is shut down so it’s a longer wait than usual. (Now, 20 minutes) Then, the speaker system breaks on the working tram while we’re in line and it’s another 20 minutes.

Alma yells, “Mommy, Huck pushed me!” Huck says, “I said I was sorry.” Then he hugs her.

I overhear people standing nearby saying, “Awww” and “There’s still good parents out there.”

There it is. The balance between cracking the whip and showing the kids a good time.

“Here’s a fantastic day where you don’t have to do anything but have a good time. We provide the snacks, juice, icees, rides and carry your crap around. We wipe your bums, bring changes of clothes and spend a gazillion dollars all so you can have a blast.”

They behave badly and we give time outs, take their stuff away and trouble shoot.

People see them throwing a massive temper tantrum and probably think, “crappy parents.”

People see them hugging and apologizing and think, “good parents.

The fact is, we’re good parents BECAUSE we don’t buy into their temper tantrums.

Alma never got a toy. She got to keep the zoo map.

alma pouts bunny

We did not try to smuggle Huck onto the kiddie rollercoaster. (Although it was tempting) He got the tram ride where he kept saying, “There’s no animals. There’s trees.” (An astute observation)

We’re trying so hard, but it’s a battle and one that doesn’t usually end with pleasant memories and grateful children.

As we walk back to the car, Alma is pouting because she didn’t get a toy.

Huck whines, “Where’s MY map?”

Then he crashes, drooling on the car seat.

We were hoping to go out to lunch. Instead, it’s McD’s and buying groceries and consoling Huck when he wakes up and tossing out the kids uneaten peas and watching Batman and breaking up fights over legos and “Don’t hit your sister!” and “Stop crying over everything!” and yes, that’s moonshine in my Coke.

There were good moments at the zoo: Alma in heaven on her horse, Huck mesmerized by otters, the moment when Alma randomly started patting Huck sweetly on the head.

otters

Was it worth it?

Ask me when the kids are in their 20’s and we find out if they even remember this stuff.