Picture a koala bear whining perpetually. koala Or a turtle neck sweater that cries for no reason. turtle neck Or the Incredible Hulk keeping a mom in a headlock while EXCLUSIVELY wearing skirts. the hulk This is my daughter. She is going through a phase (Dear God, let it be a phase) where she is beyond clingy.

She is single-handedly bringing back the choker necklace of the 90’s by BECOMING a choker.

alma clingy

I’m afraid I haven’t snapped any photos of her attacking me. Look how deceptively sweet she is!

She repeatedly gets down from the bench during dinner to give me a hug, despite being told repeatedly to withhold affection until after we eat.

She lies on top of me, kicking me over and over and over and then when I finally break down and yell at her she says, “I just want to give you a hug!” (Or kick the shit out of me)

She wants me to carry her, she wants to cook with me, she wants me to color WITH her. Inevitably when we color together, she gets bored and starts scribbling spastically all over whatever masterpiece I’ve created.

Sometimes I feel like instead of giving birth to a child, I actually have a parasitic twin attached to my body.

conjoined twin

Rather than a disturbing visual representation of an underdeveloped conjoined twin (don’t google it) I am showing you Andy Garcia. He had an underdeveloped conjoined twin surgically removed from his shoulder.

I am being manhandled by a blonde troll 24/7. kids Sometimes I feel badly about how irritating I find her demands for constant attention and contact.

The other night I told her it was time to bed after we finished reading and she started to fake cry. I told her to read a book on her own and she went ape crap.

I got annoyed and told her to pull it together.

Then she said, “I can’t read a book on my own, BECAUSE I CAN’T READ THE WORDS!”

Now I’M the dick. It has to be incredibly frustrating to be just a few letter sounds away from being able to read by yourself.

That being said, I am starting to think it’s strange that my children have ZERO ability to entertain themselves. (even together)

As I have previously posted, I suck at pretend.

I harbor a secret desire to burn her dollhouse down.

I can only find so many ways to rearrange the six pieces of furniture.

My mouse family mostly just wants to chill on the couch and watch TV. mouse family Speaking of, my children won’t even watch television alone. They demand to have company to zone out.

I have on more than one occasion plunked my daughter down on the couch, put on a new movie and tried to sneak in a nap in the bedroom. (Door open. I am not a HORRIBLE parent.)

Within ten minutes I will hear the heavy breathing of a small being standing next to me, staring at me, waiting for me to open my eyes.

It’s like I have my own personal serial killer, who is determined to murder me with crappy kid movies.

She won’t even sing without me. If I stop singing Frozen songs because I am doing something totally unimportant like trying to help her little brother poop on the potty, she starts to whisper-sing, looking uncomfortable like she just forgot her lines in the school play.

I probably shouldn’t talk considering that my mother could’ve nicknamed me “the tumor” until I was in high school. But, seriously, was I this annoying?

I’ve started calling her an Australian Sheperd. “The Aussie has considerable energy and drive, and usually needs a job to do.”

That’s my kid.

If you don’t give her a task, she’ll throw a shit-fit and possibly even piss on the rug. (Maybe not, but her temper tantrums ARE escalating.) aussie She is a lovely child. Brilliant, hilarious, spirited and driven.

Now, can someone please borrow her for a couple of hours so I can have a hot date with my husband?

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