(As in: everything makes you want to, and your kids do nothing but)

Monthly Archives: December 2014

1. Huck: “I don’t want Christmas time. I want punching time!”

punching time

2. Alma: “Can I change my name to Bagheera?”

bagheera

3. Alma: “My bum is saying it wants to sit down.”

talking bum

4. Alma while looking at a picture of me as a baby: “So, I was in your tummy then?”

5. Alma: “Can you write me a good letter to Santa?” Me: “Of course, I will make sure it’s a comprehensive list.” Alma: “‘Cause, sometimes I’m good. Sometimes I’m bad. So, you can make it a GOOD letter?” Me: “Uhhhh, not how it works.”

6. Alma: “Am I Indian?” (Huh?)

7. Huck on what we should all be for Halloween: “I’ll be Batman. Daddy is Spiderman. Alma is Engine Turtle. You are Human Cat.” (I told him once I could be Catwoman.)

human cat

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It’s that time of year, when the world falls in love.

When I reminisce about the idyllic Christmas mornings of my childhood.

The lying awake for a signal from my parents that it’s acceptable to dig under my bed for that first hidden gift, the teaser of what was to come.

me christmas1

Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, swishing on socked feet into a living room packed with presents, pouring across the floor like a tidal wave.

me christmas2

My brothers and I clambered around on the Oriental rug, digging through our stockings for the tiny gifts hidden among the cheap chocolate, held afloat by a single orange.

Our bellies still full from the smorgasbord of Teriyaki steak skewers, stuffed mushrooms, sweet and sour meatballs and cheese spread of the celebrations the night before.

In Florida, there are no snow flurries to usher in a white Christmas, but it didn’t stop me from believing I heard the jingle of sleigh bells on Christmas Eve.

florida christmas

It was a huge family affair. My Uncle, Aunt and cousin would come to town from Cincinnati. We’d brave the chilly waters of the Gulf on their behalf and gather sand for luminarias to line our walkway at home.

luminarias

My grandparents would come down from Massachusetts and our entire holiday herd would go to the St. Pete pier where I would beg my parents to buy me overpriced colored rocks masquerading as gems.

pier

Every year, we would eat at Arigato Japanese steak house, a huge splurge for a family of 5 living mostly off a math teacher’s salary.

arigato

Now, nobody comes down from “up north” to take a dip in frigid waters.

The Pier is in disrepair, people kept away with a lock and chain, it’s future uncertain.

pier2

Arigato shut down in September. The owner filed for bankruptcy.

Immediately after Thanksgiving I would hold the bottom rung of the ladder (a pointless show of support) for my father as he strung the giant colored lights along our rooftop.

Now they’re considered “retro” and a fire hazard.

retro lights

Now we put off stringing the Christmas lights along our porch railing because it’s such a pain in the patoot. We’re just too dang busy.

On Christmas Eve, we sat down as a family and read scripture to celebrate the birth of Jesus. We reenacted the nativity scene. I was usually stuck being a sheep by the manger, shrouded in my beloved and battered baby blanket, “Lambie.”

Now, nobody even mentions the “real reason for the season.”

These days, we are so busy redefining “family” that there’s no room to even bother trying to resurrect the Christmas traditions of our childhood.

The massive mountain of presents are now split between 4 homes. Christmas Eve with my in-laws, Christmas morning with my children, another random day with my family and finally a visit with my dad and his wife.

How does Santa pull this off? I don’t know. I just don’t know what to tell my kids.

Holidays should be about lazy mornings in jammies, cracking walnuts, watching football (reluctantly) and afternoons spent with kids crammed onto and underneath sofa beds, watching Rudolph on repeat.

Instead, I will leave work on Christmas Eve to rush home to food that I couldn’t help prepare.

Christmas morning will bring a modest delivery from Old Saint Nick.

The Friday after Christmas, it’s back to work.

Saturday, it’s the next “Christmas” with my family.

I am learning that there is absolutely no way I can recreate the magic of holidays past for my children.

I cannot pull it off.

It makes me sad and angry.

There’s nobody to blame, yet it feels patently unfair.

These days, who’s got the chestnuts? Where’s the open fire?

chestnuts


I’m about to tackle an incredibly touchy subject.

While passions run high in the wake of the Ferguson riots and now the Garner protests, it’s nearly impossible not to have some level of awareness of racial tension.

It’s clogging social media, sucking all the attention away from positive news stories and making everybody just feel frickin’ uncomfortable.

I don’t have some profound take on the issue. I am no expert. But, I have acquired a pretty comprehensive collection of personal experiences.

Let’s begin with my fundamental Christian beginnings.

At the first church I can ever remember attending.

My very first memories of a best friend.

christina2

Her family went to our church. Her mother was black and her father was white. I was friends with her because she was nice. (and very pretty)

christina

My brother had a black friend from the neighborhood that came with us on a family camping trip.

I’m not trying to say, “We’re not racist! We had token black friends!”

What I’m saying is that the song we sang in our church preschool wasn’t just a catchy little diddy.

“Red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in his sight. Jesus loves the little children of the world.”

It was a mantra. I pictured those kids. The red and yellow peeps I had never seen were always perplexing, but I grew up believing there was absolutely no difference between me and anyone of a different skin tone.

Accepting others, even when they are different from yourself is not something my parents just taught us. It’s something they put into practice.

My parents had black friends. We had black friends. It was NORMAL.

There were also ample opportunities for me to deny my upbringing and become racist.

One of my first elementary school crushes was on a black kid who teased me mercilessly. (Clearly, he was in love with me.) He got expelled for bringing a gun to school. (I still thought he was AWESOME and misunderstood.)

Another little black boy was obsessed with my long hair. He would sit behind me in 4th grade and pluck it out strand by strand.

It hurt.

It was annoying.

I was flattered! He liked my hair!!

In middle school, I had a crush on a black kid in gym class because he had a six-pack and could do several back handsprings in a row. He was a total badass. Isn’t that what all girls are looking for?

While my friends were writing their wedding vows to the boys from NKOTB, I was equally enamored of Christian Bale from Newsies and Michael Jordan.

michael jordan

My middle school was rife with racial tension. I was once walking down the hallway when a gaggle of loud black girls started hollering behind me. I glanced back to see what the deal was and one of them said, “What the f&^k you lookin’ at white bit&h?” They proceeded to (as a group) shove me onto the ground.

An overhead view of our school cafeteria would’ve revealed something resembling a black and white cookie. It was split down the middle, Black kids on one side, white kids (and others) on the other side.

Somehow, I always ended up on the border. The girls from the black side frequently threw school lunch food at my hair. I had to rush to the bathroom to drag tangled spaghetti noodles out of my hair, more than once.

That could’ve made me racist, but thankfully there were always OTHER black kids around. Perfectly decent, lovely human beings.

She would never know it, but one of those people was Fontaine. We weren’t close friends, but in retrospect her impact was pretty profound in my life.

fontaine

Don’t look at my outfit. Please, don’t.

At a time when I felt harassed and humiliated for being white, she was sweet, smart and treated me like anyone else. She would be my science class partner without batting an eyelash.

It was no big deal. Which made it a big deal.

I went to a high school in Southside St. Pete. If you know Tampa Bay, then you know exactly what that means.

I was 16 years old when the race riots broke out in the wake of a black teenager being shot and killed by a white officer. People set fire to businesses, looted stores and even beat a newspaper photographer, all within blocks of my school.

race riots

But, I was there the next morning ready for class.

Some black kids wore black power tee-shirts and the richest of my white pals were noticeably absent. That was it.

It further solidified my belief that even if I was white and they were black, it wasn’t a “me” versus “them” situation.

I knew plenty of ghetto people during high school and college, the vast majority of whom were white.

The guy who was hopped up on cocaine, rested an axe on my shoulder and whispered, “I could kill you right now.” He was white.

The guy using scales to measure drugs with the gun in his waistband. White.

The crackhead who called me a bi*&h for hanging out on a porch during some rave party at a house because he didn’t want the cops to show up. White.

I ended up staying in a house in the heart of Southside St. Pete for many weekends over the course of a couple of years.

Black girls would glare into my car as I drove down the street, some stopping in the middle of the road as if daring me to hit them. I had a car. They didn’t have bumpers. This never made sense to me.

In an area where gunshots and sirens were the nightly soundtrack, I was given shifty looks every time I walked the dogs.

I never chalked it up to “all these black people.” It was “all these ghetto people.”

I could hang out in Pinellas Park and feel equally uncomfortable about “all the ghetto people.”

While I was treated like some kind of outcast in St. Pete, my best friend in college was a guy I called “big black Steve.” He called me “Ofay.” Although we haven’t seen each other in years, he’s still my friend.

I have encountered plenty of racist white folks and they all seemed to have one common denominator. They were from wealthy, exclusively white suburbs. Their lack of exposure seems to be the biggest problem. They just don’t know any black people, so they make assumptions. Shitty ones.

I knew a (rich, white) guy in college who once said, “I think I want to date a black chick next.”

I asked, “Who is she?”

He said, “Oh, I don’t know any black chicks. I just know I want to date one.”

It told him this was reprehensible.

I knew a guy who used to say, “There are black people and then there are ni&&ers.”

I said, “There are good people and there are bad and they are all just people.”

In conclusion: I feel like there are many factors that contribute to someone’s likelihood or improbability of being racist.

It’s your upbringing, your parents putting their beliefs into practice, exposure to people of all races and the common sense understanding that a handful of people will never represent an entire group.

It’s why I love the daycare worker who braids Alma’s hair all the time, the little Asian kid named Andy that’s Huck’s best friend at school, the crapload of Indian kids that live on our street and Doc McStuffins… finally a character of color with her own entire goddamned Disney show.

doc

The most important thing I will ever do in my life is raise a little girl and a little boy to grow up to be good people, ones who don’t even consider the color of someone’s skin as a factor.

I think it’s a safe bet.


1. Catharsis

I’ve been writing in a journal since I was able to write. I’ve been shoving stacks of my innermost, private thoughts inside cardboard boxes for decades.

They now accumulate dust, cowering in shame, paranoid about the possibility of being discovered.

My mind is always racing and when I don’t harness my thoughts, they turn black and ugly. Writing them down gives them wings, they fly off giving me peace.

I sleep better.

To write without sharing feels empty.

I am not an author. Probably never will be. So, for those who aren’t talented enough to publish their thoughts, sharing them online is the best alternative.

2. Solidarity

There’s no way I am the only woman who struggles with the daily travails of being a working mother.

I don’t belong to a support group.

My busy schedule and time trapped in traffic preclude me from spending quality time with other moms.

Not to mention that every spare second I have is spent with my husband and children.

I don’t have friends I chat with on the phone.

I don’t do “girls night out.”

My conversations with my mother are limited to several minutes a night while I’m stuck in traffic and she’s cramming to post news online at work.

It’s all too easy to feel painfully alone in my world.

When I share my struggles, I feel connected to people all over the world who are muddling through motherhood. Whether they comment or not, like a post or not, they’re out there and now they know I’m out there too.

Oh, how I wish I was not so alone.

Bam. Now, I’m not.

3. Anonymity

Despite having a public blog, I’m still a relatively private person.

My following is not huge.

I am no Baby Sideburns.

My children can’t read, so there’s no risk of doing damage to their psyches. Even if this blog were to remain “in the cloud” forever, I am guessing they won’t be enraged that I’ve outed them on struggling through potty training or temper tantrums. In fact, I wish my mother had captured those moments from my childhood so I would’ve had a better idea of what to expect as a new mom.

Honestly, I don’t plan on writing the blog forever. I certainly wouldn’t be doing it if my kids were at an age where they were perusing blogs online.

4. Humor

I’m trying to put a humorous spin on the frustrating, the annoying, the disgusting and unbearable aspects of parenting toddlers.

I hope I’ve been able to make it clear with my style of writing that I absolutely adore my children.

I don’t think they’re monsters.

They’re not exceptionally evil, stupid or gross. In fact, I think my children are exceptionally smart, good-natured, kind, talented, creative and beautiful.

I just think that along with all of that AWESOME, there’s a whole lot of AWFUL. It’s worth a chuckle and that’s the point.

I’m not a fat, drunk.

I just enjoy hyperbole.

If that’s unclear, I am an even worse writer than I imagined.

5. Censorship

There is so much from my life that I refuse to share with the public.

There are feuds and fears and venomous hatred, private family matters and workplace-inspired outrage.

When my daughter came home from school with a humiliating story, I did not share it.

When my husband and I get in a spat, it’s between us.

Plenty is off limits and as long as I’m the one at the helm, I can be selective in a way that works for my family.

My family.

Mine.

I share, I hide and it’s my decision.


Holidays are never normal in my family.

I think it’s a safe bet that they’re never normal in ANY family.

My family celebrates holidays days after or sometimes before the actual holiday.

I work in news, my mother works in news, my brother and sister-in-law work for the TSA.

The news never stops and neither do travelers.

This year Thanksgiving was the day after Thanksgiving.

The drive to my brother’s place in Orlando was tolerable, despite the refrain “Are we there, yet?” (I eventually said, ‘yup, we’re there. We’re hugging everyone hello and sitting down on the sofa for a chat. CLEARLY, WE’RE NOT THERE YET.’)

My clan was the first to arrive, so I was unabashed in my dash to the kitchen to make a rum and Coke. My husband went for the moonshine.

This is not a euphemism. He brought a jar of moonshine. (smart man)

It wasn’t long before my mother arrived and launched herself head first into the kitchen, sweating off all her makeup and slaving over the hot stove.

Her boyfriend starts slamming moonshine with my husband, partners in crime.

Before the buzz wears off, I’m belting out Frozen songs to backup my niece when she forgets the lyrics.

singing with alexis

Has anybody seen my chin?

I pile my plate high with carbs, a move I will regret when I see the pictures from the event later. (untag, untag, reevaluating ethical stance on lipo, untag)

me at thanksgiving

My daughter gets two outside time outs in the span of an hour. During the latter of which, she inched dangerously close to the gator-infested lake and said, “I don’t want to be anywhere near you!” (I resisted the urge to reply, “The feeling is mutual, but alas, I can’t temporarily dispose of you.”)

Just when my buzz starts to wear off, someone sticks my four-month old niece on my lap and my holiday celebration is OVER.

never again

Let me preface this by saying she is the sweetest, most relaxed infant ever. She’s a far cry from my babies, who were inclined to spontaneously toss their heads back and crash to the floor. She’s so strong she can stand for several minutes while you hold her hands. She holds up her head like a champ. She’s adorable… and the very last thing I want to be holding for over an hour on Thanksgiving.

There is the panicky feeling of being responsible for such a tiny human being that ISN’T mine.

There’s the horror of feeling like for only a moment, I once again have a newborn.

Never Again.

I will reiterate: I adored being pregnant. Childbirth was by no means “a blast”, but an experience I would suffer through again with enthusiasm. I would even consider having more children, if my current ones weren’t complete hellraising, demon seeds.

My niece is a peaceful little pile of cuteness.

My babies were belly-aching, crappy breastfeeding, perpetually crying, never napping monsters.

They had RSV, lactose Intolerance, cradle cap and mystery rashes.

As they grew older, it was MRSA and lice and fifth disease.

My son is about to turn 3 years old and he’s too terrified to poop in the potty.

His butt cheeks are like vice clamps.

If there is ever a day when I don’t have to wipe the crap out of that little muscle bum, I will throw a party.

Not kidding. An entire celebration dedicated to diaperless life. There will be confetti, shot out of a bum-shaped launcher.

confetti

I digress.

After countless minutes bouncing this pleasant little girl on my lap, she starts to get wiggly and obviously hungry.

It’s my big break! I will be able to recapture my buzz with a quick stiff drink!

I report to my brother that his progeny is in need of sustenance, waiting for him to alert his wife that it’s time to secretly whip out a boob.

He hands me a bottle.

Summammabitch.

The holiday wraps up after my son lays a couple of noxious turds in his diaper, my grandparents massacre the bathroom with their own excrement and everybody is suddenly feeling painfully sober.

I hold my breath to give my (literally) stinking grandparents a hug goodbye, always wondering if it will be the last.

I don’t want my last memory of them to be clenching my teeth and plugging my nose. Instead, it would be my grandmother asking me twice what my daughter’s name is during a 5-minute conversation.

The drive home from Orlando is hell.

We hit bumper-to-bumper traffic because of an accident.

My son is sobbing for no apparent reason, which all but guarantees he has an ear infection.

Then a tree frog lands on my thigh, scaring the bejeesus out of me. (I can’t make this up.) I watch the dang thing wobble across the dashboard, dragging around one of Alma’s hairs, perching, poised to jump on my husband’s face causing the crash that will kill us all.

I was thankful for being back at home.

Oh, and for my husband, who still managed to provide much levity with his drunken shenanigans.

rolando gun to head

Look closely. My husband’s gesture says it all.

moonshine hangoverrolando foodrolando hamrolando rocking horse