I’ve been begging my husband for weeks now to go back to the beach. His hesitation is solely based on the temperature of the water. He was worried it would be too cold.

I finally convinced him the water was ready for us, so we chose to go… on Memorial Day weekend.

beach

We’ve done a fair amount of stupid stuff, but this nears the top.

In second place might be choosing to start driving toward the beach at around 11 a.m.

It started out perfect. Both kids fell soundly asleep in the back seat. They stayed asleep while I ran into Publix to get subs and snacks.

Then, we arrive at the beach to find every single parking spot taken.

We drive around waiting for something to open up and miss every single opportunity.

We spot meatheads roaming around looking lost, so we follow them only to discover they’re drunk and have located the car which they need to remove a single item from so they can get back to looking beefy on the beach.

I asked one leathery old lady if they were leaving and she snapped, “After we shower! It’s going to be awhile!”

Countless people were loading up 30 bags of sandy crap into their trunks for so long we would move on to scout out another spot only to watch another driver snag their spot.

The kids are awake and I’m trying to appease them with Lunchables. Ignoring the wads of cheese they’re collecting under their fingernails, the cracker crumbs accumulating in all crevices. (the car seats and theirs)

We were literally driving around parking lots for an hour and a half. We were about to give up, but every parent knows you cannot renege on a trip to the beach when it comes to little kids.

So, we tough it out.

My blood pressure is rising.

I am wishing I could trade the Gatorade in for a bottle of Vodka.

We find a spot and it’s like the heavens have opened up and the light of God is shining down on us.

Oh, wait… it’s just the glare of the scorching sun made more intense by bouncing off the
hot-as-coals sand.

My son’s experience with sand is limited, so he immediately starts whining that we need to pick him up because it’s “dirty.”

My daughter is shuffling down the boardwalk so slowly in her flip-flops, exacerbated beachgoers are grunting in irritation and pushing past.

Like pack mules, we haul our load of beach junk and one solid little dude with sandophobia to a spot where we can set up shop.

Alma is thrilled and immediately starts playing with sand. Huxley is puzzled as to why everyone thinks it’s okay to coat yourself in inedible sugar that’s really just glorified dirt.

Needless to say, I’m already sweating… mostly the perspiration of STRESS.

So, we head to the water. The second Alma’s teeny feet hit the wet sand, she starts shrieking that she doesn’t want to go in the water.

I pick her up and carry her crying into the ocean. It takes a solid 15 minutes before she realizes I am not going to dump her head first under a wave and watch her flounder for fun. (nothing like watching hot, young, childless folk give you dirty looks because you’re forcing your kid into the ocean)

My son had a blast in the water. He would LOVE it if we dumped him head first under a wave for shits and giggles. In fact, even if you don’t, he’s going to spend the next hour TRYING.

We’re in and out of the water for about an hour before the notorious and punctual Florida storm clouds start to roll in. My experience with this is so vast, I can predict the amount of time before the rain reaches the beach.

I say we have about 15 more minutes before we need to head back to the car when the first bolt of lightning strikes.

Alma starts whining and grinding her teeth and I know we have to hightail it.

I am rushing ashore to start the Sisyphean task of loading up our beach gear, while the throngs of scantily clad teenagers continue to shimmy to Rihanna and drink their secret booze.

The crispy, burnt old folks with their rotund bellies popping out over their swim trunks are posted up in lawn chairs like suntanning slugs.

No one is moving but us. We have a child that is about to lose her shit, so we are practically RUNNING.

Even once you get everything and everyone to the parking lot, you’re faced with a logistical nightmare: How do you get your sandy, wet children from their skin-tight soaked swimsuits into the car without ruining the car?

Reluctant to peel off their suits and reveal their nudity to the inevitable perverts lurking around, I end up telling my daughter to stand inside the car behind the driver’s side door so I can attempt to peel off her suit, which is basically enmeshed with her body. Clumps of wet sand fall to the floor of the car and I squeeze her still dripping body into clean clothes.

One kid down.

My husband was in charge of Huck. I am pretty sure some lucky sicko got a glance at his junk, cause getting a kid out of a swimsuit AND a swim diaper is pretty much impossible to do discreetly.

You’d think the kids would be exhausted from our travails, but instead they decide to let out ear-piercing screams in unison for half the ride home. We ended up rolling down the windows to try and drown it out or shut them up.

My husband turns to me and says, “The only reason why we will ever go to the beach again is for the kids, because this was horrible.”

I turn and ask Alma if she had fun. She says she made a star with sand on the beach and that was kind of fun.

So, let’s just buy a bucket of sand and STAY HOME!

(NOTE: Absolutely no pictures were taken of this lovely day for obvious reasons)

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