Things that make me irrationally angry on a regular basis:
1) Deodorant stains on the bottom of my shirt.
2) When the bottom of my jeans get wet from puddles, then I sit on my feet at work and then my butt is also wet.
3) When you dye your hairline and actually end up dyeing your forehead and/or ears.
Miss Jolie, you’re doing it wrong.
4) Peaches that look absolutely delicious, but are actually tasteless and gritty like they’ve been pumped full of oatmeal.
5) When the Walgreens employees tell me to “be well.”
I hate you ALL.
6) When drivers blast crappy music with the windows down. It’s usually angry rap or Mexican music that makes me crave salsa. (Tampa NOT Tijuana)
This is not what the drivers look like, but this picture ALSO makes me want salsa.
7) Forced banter with the hair stylist. We have nothing in common except that for that hour we both care about my hair.
8) People who can’t properly pronounce words ending in “ing.” It’s not cry-EEN or walk-EEN. These people typically also have difficulty spell-EEN.
9) When you get to the bottom of the coffee cup and the grounds have piled up, the last swallow like cold, bitter mud.
10) My kids. Okay, kidding… kind of.
Things that make me irrationally angry:
1) The Lean Cuisine tells me to stir my food halfway through, but it’s still solid as a rock.
2) Stop the car quickly and everything on the passenger seat ends up on the floor.
3) Smile at someone you pass in the hallway, they make eye contact and don’t smile back.
4) Removing red nail polish and it stains the edges of my fingers and toes magenta.
5) Strangers using terms of endearment like “kiddo”, “honey” and “sweetie.”
6) Waiters who look at the tip you left before walking away from the table.
7) Trying to sort through tangled jewelry.
8) When the sheet ends up bunched down at the bottom of the bed.
9) When the clothes hanger snaps when you try to pull it out.
10) Cylindrical garbage cans that create suction so you can’t get the bag out without it ripping, lifting the can off the ground.
11) Automatic flushing toilets that flush when you just lean over to get toilet paper, splashing you with pee water and making anyone nearby assume you’re doing a courtesy flush.
12) Shoes that squeak when you walk so it sounds like you’re perpetually farting.
Things I do that make other people irrationally angry:
1) Make tuna or egg salad in the break room at work.
2) Late merging on the highway.
3) Leaving the cork on the wine bottle opener.
4) Leaving a six-pack in the plastic bag from the corner store when I put it in the fridge.
5) When the Coke Slurpee isn’t the right consistency, I toss it in the trash.
6) The other alternative, which is testing the consistency by just pouring some into the catch drain.
7) Forgetting to wash all of the leg hair down the drain.
8) Leaving my personal trash on the restaurant table.
9) Tossing dirty clothes on the floor next to the laundry basket when it’s full. (Hey, Saturday is laundry day)
10) Dumping a half-full cup of liquid into the trash can at work. (the cleaning staff despises me… but at least my cup is… half full)
Living The American Scream 