(As in: everything makes you want to, and your kids do nothing but)

Author Archives: ScreamerDreamer

My kids don’t do anything half-assed.

If they’re going to fall, they will throw themselves to the ground with wild abandon and shriek as if they’re being pummeled by a giant.

If they get into a toddler scuffle, there’s likely to be eye-gouging and kidney shots.

huck fightalma fight

My son came down with a severe case of the pukes last week. This was not a “poor baby has a tummy ache and let loose a little white vomit” situation.

sick huck

This was gallons of putrid, spoiled milk projectile vomited across beds, couches and clothes. This was five loads of laundry, five baths and google searching for hazmat gear.

This was no sleep for the entire night and the stench trapped deep in my nostrils for the following day.

Like I said, they go all balls out, these kids.

Once the vomiting stops, there’s another two days of explosive diarrhea accompanied by a Gitmo-level hunger strike.

I got to use a vacation day in order to stay home with him because my husband was out of town.

Then on Saturday, I got to spend an entire day with both kids as my husband played golf “for business” in Naples. (I only use the quotes because I envy any job where playing a sport outdoors qualifies as work.)

I thought I was in the clear when I took the kids to the playground in our neighborhood. Alma rode her scooter. Huck rode his tricycle.

Huck was beaming as I pushed him higher and higher on the swing. I must not have realized that glowing grin was hiding the smirk of a secret shit.

I smelled it as soon as I pulled him out of the swing. I went to pull his shorts back to double check and lo-and-behold, there was shit all the way up his back to his hairline.

I found myself so overwhelmed by this bowel movement that I sat stunned for several seconds on the park bench.

Where do you begin? I have one more diaper. No, wait… it just got shit-coated during the diaper change. No change of clothes. What do I do? Thank God there is a trash can.

The end result: Huck riding home topless with a poop-crusted waist-band and undies.

huck bike

We don’t just poop in this family. We EXPLODE!

We also don’t just get a cold. We get a stomach flu, that morphs into an ear ache. (That was Huck over the past several days.)

Alma avoids the bug and instead gets Fifth Disease. (Why name a relatively innocuous virus something that sounds like the plague?) She looks like she just got double bitch-slapped and it spread into a face rash. Got some very interesting looks while schlepping her around the Marshalls.

rosy cheeks

This was when her cheeks were BETTER.

I catch the stomach flu and end up rushing home from work after being there for about an hour. (Monday)

Everyone is finally starting to recover, so Alma gets pink eye. (Today)

We don’t get sick, we nearly DIE. For DAYS.

As a random aside, I thoroughly enjoy reading a colleague mom’s blog about the Pros and Cons of a Disney cruise. (After writing a blog about the fact that a Disney trip is one long list of CONS.)

My kids don’t just ruin a vacation. They make you decide that you will NEVER VACATION AGAIN.

I try to see the silver lining. The kids really do give everything their all.

I asked Alma to draw me a lion and I got…

liger

a liger! Score!


Every parent imagines the day they can make their child’s greatest dream come true.

It’s the last wish of dying children.

It’s the first thing quarterbacks do after the big Super Bowl win.

Commercials, cartoons and movies have been subversively, subconsciously training us our entire lives to put the annoying mouse with the pre-pubescent girl voice on a pedestal.

After our highly-anticipated trip to Disney this past week, I consider those hidden messages from the “happiest place on Earth” to be more evil than the secret satanic messages when a song is played backwards.

Over the past month, we used Disney as a way to threaten our son into trying to use the potty.

We used Disney to get our daughter to stop whining.

I drew Mickey Mouse hats on our family portrait on the kid’s white board.

Abuela bought them luggage with Elsa and Anna and Teenage Mutant Engine Turtles on it especially for the trip. (I meant to say “Engine.” It’s what the kids still call them.)

None of this adequately prepared me for one of the most hellish vacations of my life.

Let’s start with boarding a bus packed with pale, sweaty, overweight tourists. Standing room only, elbowing pot-bellies and stepping on the slippered toes of white trash girls wearing Elsa dresses and Koolaid stain smiles.

The driver got lost, so we were bumping and jerking along the winding roads near the Magic Kingdom for an extra 20 minutes.

We finally arrived, battered and already sweating.

We were able to see the welcome train roll in with all the famous Disney characters onboard. I was glowing with joy watching my son shout, “Goofy! Pluto!” (While secretly wondering how many of the “actors” are actually pedophiles and whether the princesses have coffee breath.)

first pic

Before we knew what was coming.

We enjoyed the Swiss Family Robinson Treehouse.

The Jungle Cruise was tolerable, despite sitting next to the bellowing Broadway-voiced failed comedian “guide.”

My daughter plugged her ears for the duration of It’s a Small World and that should’ve been the first clue that things were about to go terribly awry.

Shortly after, as we were preparing to go on the Peter Pan ride she said, “I want to go home.”

alma pouting

After much badgering, prying and film noir interrogation, I figured out that she had to pee and didn’t want to use the public restroom.

It was about 10 a.m.

Oh hell no! After the amount of money we paid to go on this magical, cancer-kid dream trip, you’re going to throw a fit because you prefer the comfort of a familiar toilet?

I dragged her screaming to the bathroom, where she proceeded to humiliate me by shouting, “I don’t have to go pee pee! It’s not coming out!” (Which is a crock of shit, but makes me appear abusive to all of the parents in neighboring stalls.)

alma crying

The real reason why she refuses to go is because, “The potty is too loud.” She’s always had an aversion to any noise above a reasonable “inside voice.” Fireworks, loud music, loud movies in the theater… but nothing is more traumatic than a growling, loud potty.

Cruise ships are out of the question.

Airplane potties, never gonna happen.

Those toilets could suck out your intestines with a flick of the flusher.

We spent the next hour and a half trying to convince her to use a bathroom, dragging her to different potties, her berating me and bawling. She’s screaming, “Is the potty loud? The potty is loud!!”

The only thing that eventually worked was promising to immediately buy her a toy upon urination.

The children survived going to the haunted house, but only because we called it the “Hotel Transylvania.” (They LOVE that movie)

Instead, Alma was terrified of going on the Buzz Lightyear ride. She also had some kind of irrational fear that the People Mover was going to transform into Space Mountain.

Breakfast and lunch, both kids were on hunger strike. I resisted the urge to shout, “This shitty mass produced meal cost us 10 bucks per kid! You WILL eat it.”

tons of food

So, here we are sweating and grunting our way through Walt’s version of wonderland while our children barely crack a smile. My feet hurt, I’ve sweat through my underwear and there is NO BEER. Don’t they realize that without a little bit of liquid CALM, parents are highly likely to resort to homicidal violence?

At one point, some self-important , acne-pocked UCF student is telling us we need to relocate our stroller because we are in the “dancing zone” of the Incredibles. Seriously, we’re interfering with the bubble-muscled Mr. Freeze’s electric slide with our inconvenient children.

kids disney1

Time to buy another 5 dollar bottle of water and daydream it’s vodka!

While planning the trip, I had visions of the kids passing out after watching the parade and fireworks, sleeping with satisfied smiles in the stroller.

Instead, my daughter is plugging her ears and frowning while the characters perform outside Cinderella’s castle. (The one that she’s pissed off about because we can’t go inside.)

huck sleeping

We’re hightailing it to the bus before sunset, back to the resort so we can go out to dinner at a normal place where the shitty food doesn’t cost a fortune.

At Olive Garden, it’s our son’s turn to be a complete D-bag. He’s whining for no apparent reason, border line crying for the ENTIRE TIME. I end up taking a bunch of food back to the hotel room only to realize there’s no microwave. (duh)

In a lame attempt to salvage the “vacation” we get up in the morning and watch the kids pick at their pricey breakfast and then rent a two-person bike. So, we shred our calves and drip sweat along a path around the resort so the kids can argue over who gets to ring the ridiculous bell.

kids bike

We go to the Arcade with our card for free games only to learn it has a total of 100 points on it. Each game costs about 40 points or more. Air hockey? 100 points.

It’s cloudy, but we brave the pool anyway. The unheated-freezing from all of the rain-pool. The pool with the bar that’s not open.

poolside misery

Miserable.

Later, the bar opens! We grab a couple of drinks and shuttle the kids to the “kiddie pool.” My son promptly tries to drown himself, twice. In the mad dash to rescue him before CPR becomes necessary, my husband knocks over his entire alcoholic beverage. (You know, the one that costs more than a year of college tuition.)

We finally bail when the sweet New Orleans jazz music is being drowned out by some kid-friendly club shit. (Not to mention the chattering of my son’s teeth.)

We decide to take the kids to the Rainforest Cafe for another authentic theme park experience. My daughter is plugging her ears and cowering every time the fake gorillas start to scream. She is still on hunger strike. The meal is super expensive and I will be tasting the garlic for days.

rainforest cafe2

Don’t let them fool you.

I can’t catch a buzz.

rainforest cafe

We can’t catch a break.

We pack up and leave for Tampa. We had another full night booked at the resort.

Money flushed down the toilet. The very loud, evil toilet.


Here is a visual representation of storytime with my son last night before bed.

We were reading an alphabet book created by my mother which includes pictures of objects and people my children know well, to help them learn their ABC’s.

For the letter H:

huxley Huck: “Huckey!”

horse running Huck: “Horsey!”

helicopter Huck: “Helicopter!”

hippo Huck: “Tomato!”

Now for the letter R:

rainbow Huck: “Rainbow!”

rabbit Huck: “Rabbit!”

rhinoHuck: “Tomato!”

He also calls this as a “sheep” every single time:

ice cream

While this is terribly amusing to me, especially considering he can perfectly name and pronounce “caterpillar” and “centipede”, it’s disturbing when his poor communication skills equal long nights of inexplicable bawling.

I had insomnia last night and fell into a coma-like sleep, so my husband got shafted when Huck kept waking up screaming. He was hysterical, tears streaming down in his face, bouncing in frustration like an epileptic.

Despite a barrage of questions, he couldn’t tell us what was making him so outrageously upset.

Does your ear hurt? Does your mouth hurt? Did you fall out of bed? Does your belly hurt? Do you want milk?

His only response through sobs, “Carson.”

“Do you want water?”

Huck: “Jay Jay.”

It turns out that if Huck doesn’t know the answer to a question, he assumes you are asking him who his best friends at school are.

Hilarious, right? Unless he is suffering from some mysterious and unbearable pain that only an emergency room physician can diagnose.

I guess “Carson” is a cute nickname for a tumor.

Recently, I overheard my son saying something to my husband repeatedly, my husband trying to decipher his mush-speak.

Rolando: “You want paintball?” “You want people?” “You want Paypal?” “You want a peephole?” “You want RuPaul?”

He wanted a pink or purple ball.

He has come up with great alter egos for my brother and sister-in-law. Uncle Matt and Aunt Laura are now Mack and Lola.

I guess it could be worse. Alma used to say “truck” like “cock.”

She was constantly shouting, “Look at the big cock!” “It’s a fire cock!”

I’m guessing to someone, somewhere, that’s a euphemism for an STD.


So, this guy walks into a bar…

imagination mover

Can you picture it? Me neither.

My husband and I were discussing adult actors on kid shows. How can they live with themselves as grownups when shooting wraps for the day?

I don’t see Mister Douche from Imagination Movers proudly donning that early 90’s Shaggy haircut and chunky soul patch while ordering any beer with an alcohol content over 5%.

He looks like more of an O’Doul’s type. Maybe throw in a teeny umbrella.

I’m guessing they have morality clauses in their contracts, but what would that entail for a 30-something on a kid show?

I mean, do you think Twist from Fresh Beat Band hits up the strip club on occasion?

twist

He has crow’s feet for Christ’s sake!

I have a huge girl crush on Carly Ciarrocchi from the Sunny Side Up Show.

CARLY

Her cutesy color blocking and funky sneakers don’t fool me. I bet she’s a blast to hang out with at house parties and can kill it at the club.

But…. can she? Does she?

Don’t get me started on The Wiggles.

wiggles

“Sir, I didn’t recognize you without your rib-crushing, shiny spandex turtle neck.”

“You mean, you don’t actually prefer women’s underwear? I just… assumed… because… you know.”

There’s always this secret assumption that at least some of the older cast members on these shows could be undercover sex offenders.

Thanks Pee Wee. Mugshot complete with pervy Blue Blockers.

pee wee

Even in death, the lovely Mister Rogers will never be able escape theories that he was actually some kind of evil-doer.

I still love you Mister Rogers. You, and Mr. Happy Trees.

bob ross

Even when they find the bodies buried in Bob Ross’s backyard. I’ll still love him.


Everyone has regrets. If they say they don’t, it’s bullshit.

That one time you drank so much you threw up in some dude’s bathroom sink? If you don’t regret it, chances are good you’re still doing it.

I can’t tell you how many time I’ve heard someone say, “I don’t regret anything, because my mistakes made me who I am today.”

Well, who I am today has shitty eyebrows. Plucking the hell out of them starting at age 12? Yeah, I regret that. I can’t get that back.

I want Jennifer Connelly caterpillar brows and that ship has sailed.

connelly eyebrows

I regret using baby oil in my effort to transform into another ethnicity when I was in high school. I was dark and mysterious, and growing secret sunspots deep underneath that glowing tan.

dark and mysterious

Like a dormant “I told you so”, they’ve arrived to tell me that being WHITE was okay.

I regret getting a Journalism degree. I remember when one of my mother’s big wig Time Warner bosses warned me to stay out of the biz. I burst into tears after dinner and told my mom, “It’s too late! I’m a Junior in college!”

Bwooohahahaha. Too late? If only I could go back and bitch slap my former self and choose public relations instead.

Even better, I would go back and tell 8 year old me to get over the math mental block and start to really excel at science and computers.

I am fortunate none of my regrets landed me in handcuffs or with something that causes periodic “outbreaks.”

But, the regrets continue even today.

I regret that I wore flip flops recently to work and bit it on the stairs.

I regret just about any outfit I choose in the morning halfway through the day.

I am currently regretting growing my hair out. I successfully made it through the Patrick Swayze stage and have now entered the wet dog phase.

Perfectly dry. Still looks like this:

wet dog

I regret putting my son in undies at his request last night. I was sopping up pee pee and stuffing Despicable Me minions and soggy shark slippers into the washing machine.

huck pee pee

Now to the mother of all regrets.

I adore my children. They are my reason for being. I literally could not live without them. I wouldn’t trade them for anyone else’s children. Mine are exceptional. They are sunshine and laughter and all that is right with this messed up world.

That does not stop me from having brief moments of regret. I mostly regret being ill-equipped to handle the little bastards.

As they both sob in the backseat of the car during a dueling temper tantrum or when a battle over some crappy 99 cent toy from Target escalates to toddler fisticuffs, I genuinely question my ability to be a good parent.

I regret not having them younger, so maybe I could better handle their perpetual insanity.

I regret not having them older, when perhaps I would be better at letting things go.

I sometimes regret having them so close together. Double the diapers. Double the wailing. Double the daycare cost. As they get older, definitely double the trouble.

cupcake tutu double

I will never regret having my children. But, that didn’t stop me from saying to my husband the other day, “I don’t think I want kids. What do I do now?” (A joke, of course. Kind of. Seriously, a joke.)

Talk about “No Backsies.”

Can’t take a Mulligan on human beings.

No Safe Haven for the little boy you can’t seem to potty train.

huck crazy

No Indian giving with the little girl with the bad-ass, pre-teen attitude at 4 years old.

Thankfully, we waded through hell and high water to have these babies.

Otherwise, I might start to daydream about going all runaway bride the next time my daughter says, “I don’t like you anymore” because I told her she couldn’t wear her pink cupcake tutu to go to the park.

runaway bride


It’s not debatable.

I am not biased.

My daughter is incredibly smart.

But, I am starting to think perhaps I have told her this too often.

alma smarty pants

I know you’re not supposed to tell your little girls they are beautiful. I do anyway. I tell my son he’s beautiful too.

Pretty girl. Pretty boy.

But, I do try to emphasize their other more valuable accomplishments.

“You’re so fast!”

“You’re getting so good at singing!”

“You’re an artist!”

“You’re so smart!”

The other night Alma and I sat on her bed and had a legit conversation.

I asked her about how she felt about specific things and she answered me thoughtfully and began to expound.

We got on the subject of birthdays and she informed me that her cousin Solange’s birthday was next, then her birthday was shortly after. She then proceeded to tell me what she wore for her two previous birthdays, where we lived at the time, what we did and how old she would be for her next several birthdays.

I asked, “How do you remember all of that?”

Her response, “I know everything, maybe.”

alma frog

While it made me chuckle, it also terrified me.

More and more lately, she has started using the tone of voice that implies she thinks I am mentally challenged.

The other night I was searching in her room for one of Huck’s misplaced teddy bears. She said without looking up for her computer, “Uhhhh, he took it to school in his backpack, Mom.”

Replace “Mom” with “dipshit.”

That’s how it sounded.

She has even occasionally says, “I know that because I am so smart.”

I don’t WANT to stop telling her she’s smart. But, I am fighting the urge to say, “If you’re so damned smart, why do you act so stupid all the time?”

alma dranky face

alma tongue face

“Yes, you can draw one heck of a giraffe. Now, why do you throw a hissy fit if your pants don’t cover your ankles?”

“It’s amazing that you can count to 25 and beyond. Now, can you stop calling me into your room every ten minutes to inform me of something I absolutely didn’t need to know?”

(My son is not exempt from that one. The other night, he called me for the umpteenth time to make sure I knew that he… farted.)

“You’re so smart, why can’t you wipe your own hoo hah?”

“You’re so smart, why can’t you take your own shirt off over your head without getting trapped inside?”

“You’re so smart, why can’t you color by yourself, play by yourself, play with your brother, leave me alone????”

My husband has taught her the easiest way to close a marker top with her weak, little stick arms. Clearly, I don’t need to press the marker against a hard surface to put the top on. Every time I just snap it on, she says, “No, mommy. You have to do it like THIS. Ugh. You always forget.”

I love having a smart child. I hate having a smart child. Inevitably “smart” ends up “smartass.”


Au Revoir husband!

Bonjour misery!

I prepared my lunch for work the night before.

I woke up at 5:30 a.m.

I was ready to leave by 6 a.m.

The kids were ready to leave by 6:30 a.m.

All of this was the case, yet I still managed to arrive at work a whopping 45 minutes late!

Loading the kids into the car:

Alma demands to “squeeze through” her brother’s side to get to her carseat.

Huck starts whining and fighting me because I won’t let him buckle the belt by himself.

Alma is refusing to sit down so I can buckle her because she needs me to lay the bottom buckle FLAT before she can sit down.

On the way to daycare:

I hit an intersection near the high school where a cop is directing traffic. By directing traffic, I mean letting EVERYBODY but me go.

traffic cop

How is that more effective than an accurately timed light? Now, some of us get shafted and others arrive early and it’s all determined by one pudgy dude with a badge.

After sitting for maybe 15 minutes, he waves me through with a smile. (asshole)

At daycare:

Alma wants to take multiple sips of her Orange Juice before getting out of the car.

Huck is outraged because I won’t let him UNbuckle the belt.

He starts screaming as I drag him toward the building.

Alma starts screaming because I’m not holding her hand as we walk the four steps from my car to the sidewalk. (I couldn’t because I was carrying her backpack.)

I march them bawling, into a room full of perfectly well-behaved children. The daycare worker swings around and shoots me an evil glare as I run to put the kid’s backpacks on their hooks.

Then Huck’s crying becomes more plaintive. Apparently, HE is supposed to hang his backpack up.

Alma has tears streaming down her cheeks and is hiccuping air, incapable of even explaining why she’s so upset.

Back on the road:

4-way stops where no one has a clue whose turn it is to GO. School zones. School buses picking up kids. Uneven lanes and construction.

four way stop

Voila! 45 minutes late.

It’s not like I have a job where EVERY single second LITERALLY counts. (I do. Google “backtiming.”)

I spill an entire cup of crappy office coffee on my desk. (and my purse)

I have to leave early to get to the daycare before they close and start charging PER MINUTE.

At least I get to see their shining smiles when I pick them up, until my son starts chanting “I want daddy!” at home.

i want daddy

One of the only upsides to a husband out of town is the chance to consume enough garlic to ward off vampires states away.

vampire

I made sure to buy garlic on my lunch break and came home to find the last onion is gone. I only needed ONE onion. There is no way I’m schlepping the kids in their pajamas to Target for a damn onion.

In the morning, I once again have to drag my sleeping children from their beds. Unless they’re tending to the crops, it seems so wrong to wake up toddlers before dawn.

kids on farm

I’m prying pj’s off kids practically in comas. I feel like a date rapist.

huck sleeps

I’m hoisting their limp bodies up to the sink to brush their teeth like a scene from Weekend at Bernie’s.

weekend at bernies

They can’t hit a snooze button, so they tend to hit me.

The worst part? We spend all week setting their little internal alarm clocks so Saturday morning they inevitably wake up at the crack of dawn.

But, look how cute they are, RIGHT?

alma huck morning


I attended a rave for kids over the weekend!

But, first let’s recount another epic restaurant failure.

We took the kids to Lee Roy Selmon’s for lunch.

Huck was asleep when we arrived. I wish he had stayed that way.

As soon as the food arrives, he wakes up pissed off and starts crying. My husband tells him to stop crying or he will get time out. So, he starts WAILING.

Then, my daughter starts crying because I told her she can’t have any birthday cake at my niece’s birthday party because she’s refusing to eat anything but Mac ‘N Cheese.

Can 3 year olds get scurvy? I bet mine can.

scurvy

I have literally eaten a few bites of food before my husband is trying to hail down the waitress to get the check and I’m shuttling two screaming kids out of the restaurant.

Outside, in the blistering heat, I use distraction techniques to shut them up.

“Do you hear a plane?”

“Look, a lizard!”

It works until we get to the car, when my daughter starts being a giant Jackass. Every 2 seconds, she’s saying “mommy.”

“Mommy, get my Cinderella dress off the floor.”

“Mommy, I want juice.”

“Mommy, I’m being good now so I can have birthday cake.” (Oh, hell no you can’t.)

“Mommy, I want a snack.” (Go, F-yourself you little meatless, veggieless, fruitless monster.)

We took my food to go so I could eat it in the car, but my blood pressure is soaring and I know if I eat I am going to be trapped in a bathroom, destroying the toilet at the bowling alley for my niece’s party.

Which brings me to the rave.

We arrive earlier than anticipated since lunch was cut so short. We take them to the arcade area and try to show how them how to play Skee Ball.

They suck.

skee ball

We take a shot at air hockey.

Alma refuses to play.

Huck sits on the table and my husband accuses me of trying to injure our son because I hit the puck too hard.

air hockey

We walk over to the party once it’s started. Seconds after the obligatory round of cheek-kissing, they shut off the lights.

I am blinded by neon and can no longer see my children.

The theme is candy.

candy theme

Tweens are running around sucking on ring candy and I’m having a flashback to the time I ended up at a rave, sitting miserably against the wall with some douche bag spinning glow sticks in front of my face saying, “Are you rolling? You’re so rolling. Are you rolling?” (For the record, I was NOT.) (That same night I ended up in the women’s bathroom with some chick who asked if I was having fun. I told her, “Not at all.” She offered me cocaine.)

rave chick

So, now I am desperately trying to herd my children around the table where I’m sitting on one of the most uncomfortable, perpetually swiveling chairs.

I am envisioning their melon heads being shattered by some pre-adolescent boy wildly swinging a bowling ball.

My daughter is repeatedly refusing to drink fruit punch because she wants juice. Abuela offers her the same drink and calls it juice. Alma drinks it and loves it. (Then snidely says, “Mommy, it’s not fruit punch. It’s juice, see?”)

I’m digging apart pieces of crappy, overpriced pizza for my son, the tomato sauce burning through my hangnail. (Pizza that I cannot eat because I am lactose intolerant.)

There’s some pizza-faced, “slow” girl who works for the bowling alley lurking around to make sure the correct number of adults are bowling at each lane. I resist the urge to trip her. I mean, it’s dark. No one will see, right?

I love bowling and I’m pretty darn good at it. Doing it basically blindfolded while trying to keep my toddlers from being abducted by potential pervs?

Not fun.

I buy a pitcher of shitty beer. It does not make me feel better.

My son has been given a little birthday balloon on a plastic stick. He proceeds to hit himself in the eyeball with the stick. (2 days later and it’s still red)

Awesome, now I’ve blinded my son for the sake of a little kid rave.

My daughter is hopped up on candy (Candy is not birthday cake, she has informed me.) and I am still STARVING.

sugar crack alma

Sugar crack face.

In the car, my spoiled leftovers smell like cheesy, unclean, fat person butt. (Which surprisingly does not keep me from being HUNGRY.)

We have no food at home. I get groceries. I cook. I hate everything.

The next day, my husband needs to get some work done so I end up taking the kids to see the new Planes movie.

planes

I’m down with talking dogs. I can even chill out with phallic-looking Muno and his genital warts.

muno

They lose me at communicating planes, helicopter and tractors.

My son is demanding to “walk around” during the movie.

My daughter drops her smuggled banana bread onto the floor.

At one point, she’s sitting on the floor, sticky with God knows what and I DON’T CARE.

I come home to find my husband still working and I die a little inside.

We manage to wrest him away from the computer long enough to hit up the mall park.

It smells rancid, like hot, unwashed hair.

Big kids are trying to jump from a giant fake hotdog to a giant fake Coke cup, threatening to squash my tiny tots running in between. My husband yells at them to stop and other parents are looking at his NRA hat suspiciously.

My son poops and I take him to the family restroom and discover we don’t have any wipes in the diaper bag. I am wiping him with Starbucks napkins, hoping other parents don’t notice. Within minutes of being back inside the park, he poops again.

We have to leave because there are no more Starbucks napkins.

Now, Alma starts screaming because we didn’t take them on the cars outside the park. (The little motorized cars that we refuse to pay for so they can jiggle from side to side. I always tell them to just get inside and enjoy their Goddamned imaginations.)

At home, Alma wants to blow bubbles outside even though it’s blazing hot.

alma bubbles

I suffer for ten minutes, drenched in sweat. Then, I take her to look at animals at the pet store and buy a coloring book at the craft store. We emerge into a torrential downpour.

My husband works through the entire night.

He’s going out of town this week.

I watch Ray Donovan alone after the kids are asleep and cry into a glass of wine.

Looking on the bright side, there’s half a bottle left.

wine


1. There is no inappropriate place to have a picnic.

kids picnic

2. You don’t need a cape to feel like a superhero. (but it’s also incredibly simple to create one out of an old swaddling blanket)

superhero kids

3. Embrace your personal sense of style.

embrace your stylehuck style

4. Never lose your sense of wonder.

sense of wonder5. Don’t trust anyone.

don't trust guy

6. But, give them a chance.

consider a chance

8. Never give up, no matter how much you suck.

don't give up9. Everything is better together.

better together


Forget blood, sweat and tears. My weekend was all poop, sweat and tears. I’m starting to think that’s a far worse combo.

My son seems to have mastered pee pee on the potty. There’s the occasional partial tinkle in the undies, followed by completion on the pot.

For the most part, there are no puddles accumulating in our house.

Poop is another story altogether.

I’m starting to think he’s terrified to poop on the toilet, so he’s holding it in for as long as he can and then it sneaks out in increments. That’s the only possible explanation for the impressive number of times he pooped in his undies over the weekend.

At some point, we’re going to have to break down and start washing the undies. We’ve been tossing them in the trash. It’s so terribly difficult to want to hand-scrub shit off someone’s underwear. Anyone’s underwear. But, for such a small amount of material, those little Superhero skivvies are EXPENSIVE.

huck potty

There was a pee pee incident when we went to a restaurant for lunch with the kiddos. (where the food was double-fried disgusting)

My husband took Huck to the restroom, he peed and within ten minutes of coming back to the table, he peed in his pants. I guess he wanted to leave as badly as we did.

My husband tells me he also stomped on the pee that puddled on the floor of the bathroom, so his socks were soaked in urine.

We didn’t bring any boy socks, so he ended up wearing hot pink socks with chicks on them under his cowboy boots. (An aside: He loved the socks.)

The kids played outside on a playground that couldn’t possibly be up to code. There were plywood steps, rotting from water exposure. The kids periodically ran back to the deck where we were because they were terrified of the bees. (Which were actually flies.)

flies

We took the kids to play putt putt golf.

In Florida.

In August.

We are not a couple overcoming the challenges of parenting with mental disabilities. We’re just stupid.

huck golf

Not only is it difficult to teach toddlers how to properly use a golf club and avoid water hazards, it’s nearly impossible to keep them from falling off faux cliffs when there is sweat literally dripping into your eyes.

alma golf

Afterward I asked Alma if she had fun. She said, “No, it was too hot.”

Awesome.

To cap off the weekend, there was a 4:30 a.m. Monday morning wake up call. My daughter was bleating like a sheep because she couldn’t find her Rainbow Dash pony.

It was right next to her in the bed.

alma awake

I fell back asleep and had a nightmare that I couldn’t pull off a Frozen birthday party for her.

elsa evil

I can’t wait to trade in all the poop, sweat and tears for some sleep, peace and quiet.