I was born in the 80’s. I grew up in the 90’s. So, what the heck do you call the now’s?

Here’s a quick comparison of the quintessential 80’s toys I remember and what the kids are playing with these days.

1) Popples. Pointless, partially pink, nebulous creatures that you can whip into ball-shaped pink, nebulous creatures.

popples

Today’s version: The Furby. Owl rapes hamster and gives birth to a creature that speaks a made up language so your child will learn absolutely nothing.

furby

2) Tabletop Donkey Kong. Donkeys mysteriously find an endless stockpile of barrels in a jungle in order to thwart attacks by crocodiles.

donkey kong

Today’s version: Angry Birds. Use a slingshot to launch birds at pigs. Because that makes so much sense.

angry birds

3) Cabbage Patch Dolls: Creepy, cuddly dolls that resemble the girl from Poltergeist and have hard heads that make them perfect weapons when battling big brothers.

cabbage patch

Today’s version: Monster High Dolls: Slutty, zombie chicks that look like futuristic strippers. Won’t hurt brothers. Scare adults.

monster high

4) The Rubik’s Cube: Spend hours being frustrated so your parents can have some peace.

rubiks

Today’s version: Leap Pad. Little battery-operated mind suck.

leap pad

5) Roller Racer: Awkward death trap on wheels.

roller racer

Today’s version: A Mercedes… for kids. Whose bright idea was this? I know, let’s give reckless, uncoordinated people who are 10 years from getting a license a much smaller, plastic car and let them hit the road.

mercedes

6) Lite Brite: Most obvious choking and fire hazard ever marketed to children.

lite brite

Today’s version: Anything made in China that could contain lead, which is everything made in China.

made in china

7) Barbie: Inhuman body type, white blonde hair and a permanently surprised look.

barbie

Today’s version: Inhuman body type, now available with pink hair and tattoos.

barbie tats

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