1) 12 Years a Slave: 12 sounds about right. That’s when you can start making kids do their own laundry and load the dishwasher, right?

12 years a slave

The “What have I done?” expression Chiwetel Ejiofor’s will have after he has kids.

2) Dallas Buyers Club: I feel like Matthew Mcconaughey’s character.

A disheveled Matthew McConaughey gets arrested in scenes for 'The Dallas Buyers Club' in New Orleans

“Stop right there! Don’t have kids!”

3) Amerian Hustle: I actually look like Christian Bale’s character.

american hustle

“I’m not pregnant again, so what’s this?”

4) Frozen: My libido. We’ll thaw it out in a few years.


“See this? Nuh uh uh. Maybe when the kids are ready for sleepovers.”

5) Gravity: Where did all my friends go? Oh, wait… I had kids. It’s like being adrift in space.


6) I wore heels to work for the first time in many moons yesterday and bit it hard at the bottom of the stairs ala J-Law. Who needs a fancy gown and an oscar nom to throw yourself to the ground like an a-hole?

j law fallsj law falls2

7) Ellen: With the current state of my hair growing out process, I look like her only not nearly as beautiful.


Who’s that guy she’s with? I thought she was gay!

8) Blue Jasmine: Didn’t see it, but read a description that included “a fragile socialite experiencing a meltdown.” Replace “socialite” with “working mom” and bingo.

blue jasmine

9) I am just about as bad as Bradley Cooper at cutting heads off in selfies and Kevin Spacey could be my doppelganger in 95% of pictures I end up in.

ellen selfie

10) Jared Leto. Along with every other woman in the world who tweeted this: I want your hair. Now.

jared leto

Two thumbs up for deep conditioning!