Everything looks like a death trap to me.

Perhaps it’s because I work at a job where I write about all of the most unusual, bizarre and tragic accidents.

Girl gets run over by a lawnmower?

Happened twice in the span of a month here.

Toddler drowns in pool?

During the summer, it’s at least once a week.

But, my level of paranoia can’t be normal. I mean, I contain it to a certain degree. At least, I keep it to myself.

While the kids are the backyard, I am thinking about Cottonmouths and Water Moccasins. (people have seen them in our neighborhood)

cottonmouth

When we’re in the front yard, it’s coyotes or maybe just an irritable neighborhood dog.

coyote

The front yard poses the additional risk of a driveway where someone could easily back over a child. That somebody being me… even though I am super aware of where they are outside at every single moment.

driveway

DEATH TRAP

My in-laws have a pool in the backyard. I have envisioned Huck diving in after a soccer ball so many times, it’s almost like it already happened.

POOL

DEATH TRAP

The stairs will lead to broken bones someday, I’m sure of it.

A sex offender will move into our development. I already know exactly what street the closest one lives off of even though it’s miles away. Yet, I still check the FDLE site on a regular basis.

It’s not a cold, it’s a sign she has a compromised immune system.

I didn’t even let me kids near a peanut until I had ample time to whisk them off to the ER if needed.

evil peanut

SNEAKY DEATH TRAP

Hot dogs, carrots, grapes and now linguini (see previous post) require extreme supervision.

The bathtub is an “eyes-on” environment only.

Oh, and every time we cover a car accident, which is several times a day, I always check the make and model right away to be sure it isn’t my husband who totes the kids to school and back.

I don’t spend all of my time worrying, but being prepared to react. Which is why it’s hilarious that one of the only times my daughter has been hurt in the past week is when I yanked a Little Bo Peep staff out of her hands and accidentally flung her head first onto the floor. Girl had a death grip on that thing!

How did we ever survive our childhoods? I went door-to-door selling Girl Scout cookies alone. I was nearly mauled to death by a vicious Rottweiler when I went INSIDE A STRANGER’S HOME. I hung out with a weird old lady in her house so she could give me a coaster with a Cardinal on it. I went for a solo bike ride only to see a guy getting all lewd and lascivious in a parked car.

That’s it. Buying a big bubble to keep my kids in.

BUBBLE BOY

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