Have you ever seen those people who walk around at theme parks, grocery stores and zoos with their kids connected to them by a leash? Usually it’s hooked to a fuzzy animal-shaped backpack. Monkeys seems to be a top pick. I’ve often wondered what would happen if a primate at the zoo got loose and saw a tiny person-shaped monkey strolling around backwards.
I used to think those parents were ape-shit, pun intended.
It’s a fine line between the leash and duct tape and chains. I work in News. I am not going to do anything that even closely resembles child abuse.
But, I am mother to a pint-sized flight risk. His main goal in public is to race toward danger, whether it’s a parking lot (death trap) or the “big kid” playground (death trap).
We should’ve seen this coming. When we took our daughter home from the hospital, we decided the first song that played on the radio would be “her song.” It was Elton John’s “Tiny Dancer.” Seemed appropriate, especially since her feet are still the size of a newborn’s.
When we took our son home from the hospital, we played the same game. His song… “I Shot the Sheriff” by Bob Marley. Clearly this means he will be a pot head or a cop-killer.
Huxley is going to turn 2 years old this week. It’s his defining moment. He’s about to become a psychopath or an athlete, a good cop or a very bad cop.
My mother-in-law asked me what the theme is going to be for his birthday party. I was thinking, “violence.” Maybe a bleeding red velvet cake, body part streamers and we can turn his sister into the pinata.
Nah. We’ll go with a soccer cake and some traditional “boy” colors.
I will say this about my little man. He knows how to live. He takes risks. (ones that could cause his mother to go into cardiac arrest) But, he loves life.
On the swing the other day, as soon as he got to the highest point he would throw his head back and take his hands off the chains. The kids is insane, but I envy his joy.
I considered the leash, but I think I’ll stick with yelling at him at the top of my lungs in my “man voice,” which terrifies all other parents and children within ear shot.
Everything looks like a death trap to me.
Perhaps it’s because I work at a job where I write about all of the most unusual, bizarre and tragic accidents.
Girl gets run over by a lawnmower?
Happened twice in the span of a month here.
Toddler drowns in pool?
During the summer, it’s at least once a week.
But, my level of paranoia can’t be normal. I mean, I contain it to a certain degree. At least, I keep it to myself.
While the kids are the backyard, I am thinking about Cottonmouths and Water Moccasins. (people have seen them in our neighborhood)
When we’re in the front yard, it’s coyotes or maybe just an irritable neighborhood dog.
The front yard poses the additional risk of a driveway where someone could easily back over a child. That somebody being me… even though I am super aware of where they are outside at every single moment.
My in-laws have a pool in the backyard. I have envisioned Huck diving in after a soccer ball so many times, it’s almost like it already happened.
The stairs will lead to broken bones someday, I’m sure of it.
A sex offender will move into our development. I already know exactly what street the closest one lives off of even though it’s miles away. Yet, I still check the FDLE site on a regular basis.
It’s not a cold, it’s a sign she has a compromised immune system.
I didn’t even let me kids near a peanut until I had ample time to whisk them off to the ER if needed.
Hot dogs, carrots, grapes and now linguini (see previous post) require extreme supervision.
The bathtub is an “eyes-on” environment only.
Oh, and every time we cover a car accident, which is several times a day, I always check the make and model right away to be sure it isn’t my husband who totes the kids to school and back.
I don’t spend all of my time worrying, but being prepared to react. Which is why it’s hilarious that one of the only times my daughter has been hurt in the past week is when I yanked a Little Bo Peep staff out of her hands and accidentally flung her head first onto the floor. Girl had a death grip on that thing!
How did we ever survive our childhoods? I went door-to-door selling Girl Scout cookies alone. I was nearly mauled to death by a vicious Rottweiler when I went INSIDE A STRANGER’S HOME. I hung out with a weird old lady in her house so she could give me a coaster with a Cardinal on it. I went for a solo bike ride only to see a guy getting all lewd and lascivious in a parked car.
That’s it. Buying a big bubble to keep my kids in.