I am guessing I’m not the only parent of little ones that occasionally suffers from something I call “sleep cursing.”

You’re deeply asleep, dreaming of sleeping in, using the potty in privacy… all things “single” and you hear the cries. You try to ignore it, but it grows louder. Eventually, they spill into screams of “mommy!!”

This isn’t when you start slinging curse words like a sailor. Not yet.

You rub their back, you “shhhhh” and you ask if they need something to drink.

You wrap them in a blanket, ask if they don’t feel well and RELUCTANTLY pick them up.

huck sleepy bottle

This happened at 4 a.m. with my son this morning. He probably has an earrache, which makes my reaction even more offensive.

So, I’ve given him milk and he’s cuddled under a blanket with me on the couch and we’re watching Thomas the Train. That’s when I give up and start praying I can fall asleep on the couch next to him.

But, nooooooo. Every 3 seconds he has to shout (with the sippy cup in his mouth) “Choo choo train!” Seriously? It’s Thomas the f&^ing Train. There are nothing but trains, Huck!!

thomas the train

Quit smiling at me you smug little &^%.

At one point he kept asking over and over, “What’s going on?” “What’s going on?”

I mumbled irritably, “They’re looking for Percy.”

Huck: “What’s going on?”

I silently say “f&^k” and say, “THEY’RE LOOKING… FOR… PERCY.”

Huck starts whining and he asks again and I lose it. I’m dropping f-bombs and telling him to just please shut up for the love of God! JUST STOP!

cursing

This is called “sleep cursing.” I would never curse in front of my kids while awake. But, something in my brain just snaps when I am in desperate need of sleep and my kid is keeping me up in the middle of the night for NO GOOD REASON.

ralphie soap

I usually do self-censoring, falling silent at the opportune moment in the sentence. “Go to *silence* bed!”

So, how did my morning end? With me handing over duties to my husband, him getting me back up a few minutes later because he had to shower, me trying to squeeze in a five-minute power nap before getting up and oversleeping.

I did my makeup at red lights. I have bed head. I will spend too much money on lunch.

But, I caught up on all those Thomas the Train episodes I’d been dying to see. So, there’s that.

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