(As in: everything makes you want to, and your kids do nothing but)

Tag Archives: tooth fairy

I have an Easter hangover and it has nothing to do with alcohol.

I’ve had the revelation that far too many holidays or special occasions involve parents not sleeping.

Christmas: Buying presents without the children knowing about it is nearly impossible unless you shop online. Then you open the boxes to discover damaged goods, wrong sizes etc. but it’s too late to send it back and get the right stuff on time.

You also have to hide the wrapping paper or you will end up concocting some bullshit story about Santa having the room for a bazillion gazillion presents, but needing the hookup on wrapping paper.

You spend all night stuffing stockings, putting presents under the tree so your kids can wake you up before dawn and destroy EVERYTHING you worked so hard on.

wrapping paper

The Tooth Fairy: It’s the ultimate test of your parenting ninja skills. You have to be sure they’re soundly asleep and then sneak like a burglar into their room and steal something under their pillow. If THAT doesn’t wake them up, then you have another shot when you place the actual money under the pillow.

ninja

Easter: Again, waiting until the kids fall asleep so you can put candy in Easter eggs and hide them all over the house.

The kids literally have chocolate for breakfast. I caught my son sneaking chocolate eggs on his own several times before 9am. He had a chocolate clown face smile.

clown smile

Then, it’s off to abuela’s house where she has jelly beans and cupcakes and ice cream. The kids are eating bunny shaped lollypops and skipping naptime.

lollypop

Back at home that night, it’s a complete fiasco. They’re hopped up on sugar, bouncing off the walls, refusing to eat any real food or take a bath.

My husband actually started to time it during dinner. They could only go about 5 to 10 minutes between crying jags.

By the time they finally go to bed (kicking and screaming) I am starting to get a sore throat.

This morning, I wake up sick and am so tired at work my eyes are rolling back in my head like I’m possessed by a demon.

Three cups of crappy station coffee later and I feel like I’m having a panic attack. I’m pacing back and forth in the break room like a zoo animal held captive too long. My leg has Parkinson’s. It’s doing a solo Lindy Hop.

lindy hop

Last night I asked my husband, “Did they have fun?”

What I am really asking is, “Did they have fun, because I’m in holiday hell right now and if they DIDN’T have fun we are officially becoming Atheists so we don’t EVER have to celebrate a holiday again!!”

The first word out of my son’s mouth this morning, “Chocolate.” He can’t even pronounce his own name properly, but says “chocolate” with impeccable diction.

huck chocolate

From now on we will only celebrate National Lazy Day.  It involves not cooking, not cleaning, not consuming sugar, remaining horizontal and periodic naps. At this moment, I despise all of you childless bastards because you can have Lazy Day WHENEVER YOU WANT.

LazyDay

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I didn’t realize that as a parent I would unintentionally terrify my children on a regular basis.

Last night, I’m reading Alma a picture book and we were on the sea creatures page. I pointed at the lobster and said, “I loooove to eat lobster.”

screaming-lobsters

She looked horrified and said, “You can’t eat that!”

Guess I shouldn’t tell her about where her chicken nuggets and fish sticks come from. I mean, they are called “chicken” nuggets and “fish” sticks. Guess she hasn’t made the connection yet.

The other book I chose to read her last night was all about the tooth fairy.

Yes, honey. Part of your body will fall off within a handful of years and some creepy little person will sneak in while you’re sleeping to steal it and leave you with some money.

tooth fairy

It’s no wonder we all have nightmares as adults about our teeth falling out. It’s some latent PTSD from learning about the tooth fairy as toddlers.

teeth falling out

This past weekend we took the kids to the Tampa Bay Airfest. We were trapped in bumper to bumper traffic in the seedy neighborhood near the Air Force Base for at least an hour. We got to spend several minutes inspecting each haunted house and shanty. At least I got a picture of this gem.

glamour shots

Super proud of our Glamour Shots from ’89?

By the time we got to the base, Alma was “pissing her pantalones” as my husband would say.

It was the perfect opportunity to introduce my daughter to the terrors of the Porta-Potty.

porta potty

I’m holding her over an enormous hole filled with neon blue water, used tampons and other people’s crap.

She’s chanting repeatedly, “I can’t go. I can’t go.”

After it’s over, I can tell she’s never going to go in another public restroom again.

Then, we sit around and watch F-16 fighter jets (Alma calls them “Fire Jets”) nearly collide and crash into the crowd, bursting our ear drums.

alma scared

Yay! Our little aviation enthusiast is now going to be more inclined to take the Greyhound.

Our son had a blast. Our daughter was too scared to even eat a cheeseburger.

cheeseburger

I recently made the mistake of watching Goonies with the kids. Within minutes, I realize that showing toddlers a movie that revolves around murderous Mafia-linked jailbirds with a deformed sibling chained in a basement was probably not the best call. (I turned it off before we really got to know the Fratellis)

fratellis

So, I think I am going to try to do a better job of not traumatizing my children.

“No, baby, you will never have lumps of fat that sprout on your chest, or bleed profusely once a month.”

“Farmers raise chickens and goats because they’re just so darn cute!”

“The lobster I eat has absolutely nothing to do with Sebastian from The Little Mermaid. This one is fake, like tofu.” (Which Alma calls “Toe Food.” Sounds about right.)

“The tooth fairy is me. Me and dad. We determine how much money you’ll get while you’re sleeping. Those old teeth? Garbage can little friend.”