I didn’t realize that as a parent I would unintentionally terrify my children on a regular basis.

Last night, I’m reading Alma a picture book and we were on the sea creatures page. I pointed at the lobster and said, “I loooove to eat lobster.”

screaming-lobsters

She looked horrified and said, “You can’t eat that!”

Guess I shouldn’t tell her about where her chicken nuggets and fish sticks come from. I mean, they are called “chicken” nuggets and “fish” sticks. Guess she hasn’t made the connection yet.

The other book I chose to read her last night was all about the tooth fairy.

Yes, honey. Part of your body will fall off within a handful of years and some creepy little person will sneak in while you’re sleeping to steal it and leave you with some money.

tooth fairy

It’s no wonder we all have nightmares as adults about our teeth falling out. It’s some latent PTSD from learning about the tooth fairy as toddlers.

teeth falling out

This past weekend we took the kids to the Tampa Bay Airfest. We were trapped in bumper to bumper traffic in the seedy neighborhood near the Air Force Base for at least an hour. We got to spend several minutes inspecting each haunted house and shanty. At least I got a picture of this gem.

glamour shots

Super proud of our Glamour Shots from ’89?

By the time we got to the base, Alma was “pissing her pantalones” as my husband would say.

It was the perfect opportunity to introduce my daughter to the terrors of the Porta-Potty.

porta potty

I’m holding her over an enormous hole filled with neon blue water, used tampons and other people’s crap.

She’s chanting repeatedly, “I can’t go. I can’t go.”

After it’s over, I can tell she’s never going to go in another public restroom again.

Then, we sit around and watch F-16 fighter jets (Alma calls them “Fire Jets”) nearly collide and crash into the crowd, bursting our ear drums.

alma scared

Yay! Our little aviation enthusiast is now going to be more inclined to take the Greyhound.

Our son had a blast. Our daughter was too scared to even eat a cheeseburger.

cheeseburger

I recently made the mistake of watching Goonies with the kids. Within minutes, I realize that showing toddlers a movie that revolves around murderous Mafia-linked jailbirds with a deformed sibling chained in a basement was probably not the best call. (I turned it off before we really got to know the Fratellis)

fratellis

So, I think I am going to try to do a better job of not traumatizing my children.

“No, baby, you will never have lumps of fat that sprout on your chest, or bleed profusely once a month.”

“Farmers raise chickens and goats because they’re just so darn cute!”

“The lobster I eat has absolutely nothing to do with Sebastian from The Little Mermaid. This one is fake, like tofu.” (Which Alma calls “Toe Food.” Sounds about right.)

“The tooth fairy is me. Me and dad. We determine how much money you’ll get while you’re sleeping. Those old teeth? Garbage can little friend.”

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