We have hundreds of television channels. 90% of them are showing things that are inappropriate for my children to view.
When I was a kid the raciest thing I ever saw on our six channels was Baywatch.
*I’ll be ready, I’LL BE REEADDY!*
Now, the magic screen flickers with unpredictable images of threesomes, boobs and man butts.
Plots centered on high schoolers having abortions, real housewives beating each other up and Bachelors having sex in the ocean with one of 27 “lucky” ladies.
It makes the controversial plots of the late 80’s and early 90’s laughable.
I remember feeling nauseous and uncomfortable when Allie found a condom in Chip’s pocket on Kate and Allie.
There was the infamous episode of Diff’rent Strokes when Dana Plato’s character had bulimia.
We can thank Canada for tackling tough topics like teen drug use and divorce on Degrassi Junior High.
My kids aren’t old enough to need the “child lock” but I am starting to think they need to make one for grownups.
“Watch Mad Men without gratuitous sex scenes! See Dexter without ever having to see Dexter’s derriere!”
While our biggest current concern is making sure the kids aren’t replicating the abuse Tom and Jerry subject each other to, there’s also Victoria’s Secret ads to subtly teach my daughter the appeal of protruding hip bones and anorexia.
Model or genocide survivor?
Thank GOD that we can now fast forward through all of the commercials, which are more graphic and offensive than anything we were forced to watch between shows as kids.
I was banned from watching Three’s Company because of their “inappropriate living arrangement.”
Now, you can watch two guys and a chick get it on in the shower on what’s supposed to be a thriller about a serial killer.
We had true drama with Mary Ingalls going blind on Little House on the Prairie.
The Cosby Show, where the most offensive thing was those Coogi sweaters.
The hot chicks on television: Becca from Life Goes On and Winnie Cooper. If you were a real perv it was Kelly Bundy.
Now Hannah Montanas transform into Miley Cyruseseses. (yeah, I couldn’t figure out the apostrophe) Britney Spears turned into… Britney Spears.
Want a chuckle? America’s Funniest Home Videos is still hilarious even though the clips are from the early 80’s.
Now, you can giggle at the guy from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia putting his dick through a hole in the wall in an attempt to have intercourse with a stranger.
Feel dirty yet? I do.
How did we go from the seven castaways of Gilligan’s Island to the seven strangers picked to live in a house to the seven strangers having an orgy in a jacuzzi in Vegas? It was like ‘take one down, pass it around’ with roommates on the Real World.
I blame a cartoon for the downfall of American television. Beavis and Butthead. It’s all their fault.
Everyone knows that what people post on social media sites isn’t actually an accurate snapshot of your life.
You put your best foot forward, your best pic posted.
It’s all smoke and mirrors.
This is never more true than for parents of toddlers.
Here are pictures of my husband and I on daycare date night.
It might look like we’re having a lovely evening, but we actually spent the entire dinner try to hail our waitress. We watched other diners arrive, be served and finish dinner and we couldn’t even get a second round of Sake.
That b*&ch interrupted our Sake cycle.
Instead of riveting conversation, we were busy glowering at the staff, pleading with our eyes for assistance from the hostess. (who was equally oblivious to our plight)
I considered luring her by dangling our food because she was all skin and bones, but my husband noted that she clearly wasn’t interested in eating. Maybe Meth would’ve worked?
The next morning, here’s a picture of my precious daughter hugging my dog. (Yes, he looks terrified. He’s old, partially blind and has Addison’s Disease. He’s always terrified.)
What you don’t see is my son screaming in the background because he’s sick. Our punishment for a miserable night on the town was waking up early to face a feverish toddler.
My son is a real jerk when he’s sick.
I feel bad that he doesn’t feel well, but I don’t exactly feel like babying him when he’s constantly trying to throw heavy objects at my head and screaming “NO WAY” when I’m not even touching him or talking to him.
A fun day at the park? I think not.
It poured the night before so the whole playground was a soggy, mulchy mess.
We had to cut it short when my son decided to run full speed through a mud puddle in canvas shoes.
I did find it amusing that Alma wouldn’t stop berating an older girl who was playing barefoot in the mud.
“She’s gonna get her pants wet! She doesn’t have shoes on! She can’t go in the puddles!”
Her mom was nearby.
I just said, “That’s up to her and her mommy or daddy to decide honey.” (as I continued to yell at my kids to stay out of the puddles… awkward, awkward, awkward)
Here’s what else there AREN’T pictures of:
1) Our kids both instantly falling asleep as we drive off for lunch, so we have to drive around for an hour being quiet.
2) My son crying when we have to wake him up because we HAVE TO EAT.
3) My son demanding to walk outside while we’re trying to eat at Chilis, throwing all food offered to him across the room. (even slimy segments of mandarin oranges)
4) Mommy downing two margaritas.
5) Daddy saying he needs to work on the computer and mommy nearly having a nervous breakdown considering time alone with the kids.
So, I took Alma to buy white poster board to draw on with markers outside.
Look how adorable she was playing with the neighborhood kids.
What you don’t see:
1) Huck stealing all balls from the neighbor’s garage. Bouncy balls, plastic softballs, a football.
2) Huck repeatedly kicking said balls toward the road.
3) Alma looking shocked and appalled when the neighbor’s little girl wouldn’t let her have a turn at basketball. (awkward, awkward, awkward)
So, we go back inside and I serve up the kids an enviable spread of fresh fruit, Gouda and ham.
We watch Monsters Inc. for the 30th time.
I give the kids a bath, which means I get soaked from head to toe, chase around a naked maniac who refuses to put on a diaper and occasionally pisses on the carpet and manhandle my cranky daughter who screams at me to get her into her PJ’s and then screams even louder that she CAN DO IT HERSELF!
At this point, my husband is still on the effing computer and I shout downstairs, “Are you DONE YET?”
He storms up and says no, but takes over. So, then I feel like a shitty wife.
My husband can’t get his work done and I am already trying to figure out if enough time has passed since lunch for me to start drinking alcohol again.
Let’s just say the night ended with me breaking my diet to eat a Lean Cuisine and my husband telling me I had purple teeth. Wine drinkers feel me.
No pictures of that folks.
Smoke and mirrors friends.
I always adore when people post lists of classic stuff from the 80’s. Let’s take a trip back in time and check out some of the more obscure and underappreciated toys and shows from my childhood.
My Little Pony Seahorse
I adored mine. It was stolen by a fundamentalist Christian kid I used to hang out with. I remember her name. I will protect the identity of the thief. But, if she were ever to read this, I want it back!
Rub-a-dub Dog
The ears never got dry. It didn’t matter. I loved this moldy pup.
M.U.S.C.L.E. men
Clearly I have older brothers.
Sweet Secrets
Keypers Fancy
The only word to describe this is RAD.
Wuzzles.
Garbage Pail Kids
My mom told us to throw them all out. I hid them in my closet for years before becoming so wracked with guilt I gave them away.
Another “no-no” in our crazy Christian family.
I had an obsession with Dotty because she wore roller skates.
Heathcliff
I was obsessed with Wordsworth because he wore roller skates. There is a theme.
Hong Kong Phooey
Magilla Gorilla
When I was born, my oldest brother looked through the hospital nursery window and sang, “See in the window, it’s Hannah Banana,” to the Magilla Gorilla tune.
The Little Prince
I wanted to be the Little Prince. Yes, Prince.
Gummi Bears
I dare you to sing the song and see if anyone is cool enough to shout “bears” at the end. I have a friend like that. (although I refer to him as a fiend not a friend)
Bosom Buddies
I love Tom Hanks, but this is still the best role he ever played. Take that Forrest Gump!
Highway to Heaven
I watched the CRAP out of this show.
CHIPS
I admit it, I had a crush on Ponch. But, then he visited my news station in Miami and was groping all of the female “talent.” Grooosss.
You Can’t Do That on Television
I don’t care if Alanis Morissette was on this show. It was awesome anyway.
That’s it. I am quitting my job and dedicating the rest of my life to creating a time machine just so I can enjoy the 80’s again.
I am guessing I’m not the only parent of little ones that occasionally suffers from something I call “sleep cursing.”
You’re deeply asleep, dreaming of sleeping in, using the potty in privacy… all things “single” and you hear the cries. You try to ignore it, but it grows louder. Eventually, they spill into screams of “mommy!!”
This isn’t when you start slinging curse words like a sailor. Not yet.
You rub their back, you “shhhhh” and you ask if they need something to drink.
You wrap them in a blanket, ask if they don’t feel well and RELUCTANTLY pick them up.
This happened at 4 a.m. with my son this morning. He probably has an earrache, which makes my reaction even more offensive.
So, I’ve given him milk and he’s cuddled under a blanket with me on the couch and we’re watching Thomas the Train. That’s when I give up and start praying I can fall asleep on the couch next to him.
But, nooooooo. Every 3 seconds he has to shout (with the sippy cup in his mouth) “Choo choo train!” Seriously? It’s Thomas the f&^ing Train. There are nothing but trains, Huck!!
Quit smiling at me you smug little &^%.
At one point he kept asking over and over, “What’s going on?” “What’s going on?”
I mumbled irritably, “They’re looking for Percy.”
Huck: “What’s going on?”
I silently say “f&^k” and say, “THEY’RE LOOKING… FOR… PERCY.”
Huck starts whining and he asks again and I lose it. I’m dropping f-bombs and telling him to just please shut up for the love of God! JUST STOP!
This is called “sleep cursing.” I would never curse in front of my kids while awake. But, something in my brain just snaps when I am in desperate need of sleep and my kid is keeping me up in the middle of the night for NO GOOD REASON.
I usually do self-censoring, falling silent at the opportune moment in the sentence. “Go to *silence* bed!”
So, how did my morning end? With me handing over duties to my husband, him getting me back up a few minutes later because he had to shower, me trying to squeeze in a five-minute power nap before getting up and oversleeping.
I did my makeup at red lights. I have bed head. I will spend too much money on lunch.
But, I caught up on all those Thomas the Train episodes I’d been dying to see. So, there’s that.
There should be a guide to surviving children’s television shows. I know I couldn’t write it. I get so sick of the characters asking me questions.
When we were children, Bugs Bunny didn’t grill us. “What’s up doc?” was rhetorical. Asking questions to your invisible audience doesn’t work, at least not on my kidlets. They both stare stone-faced when Mickey asks them a question. It could be, “What’s your name?” and I swear I can see drool drip from daughter’s chin during the 10 seconds of silence that follows.
In order to get by, my husband and I have employed a technique that’s sure to bite us in the ass someday when our kids overhear and start repeating it. We intentionally mishear song lyrics and catch phrases.
If you watch Super Why, you know they are constantly shouting enthusiastically, “To the book club!” Now, watch again and see if it actually sounds more like, “To the butt plug!”
On one episode of Tinga Tinga, there’s a Jamaican sounding turtle that says, almost clear as day, “Gimme that f&*ing gun!” Yeah, I know that’s not what he says but we can’t actually figure out what he’s really saying … so we just go with it.
You can also try to spot and/or point out the enormous failures of your kid’s favorite shows. My husband noted that Handy Manny only has four fingers on each hand. Not very handy.
Why are all of the animals on The Octonauts animals, except for Turnip. Why the hell is there a talking turnip on that submarine?
I’ll never understand Blue’s Clues. No matter how many times they change the host, he always seems like a serial killer.
The kids on Barney are terrifying. They’re like Stepford kids, all plastic and cheerful. Let’s not get started on the bad lip syncing on that show.
Even Sesame Street isn’t the same. I miss Barkley. I want more Grover. And Elmo is an annoying little shit. Even my daughter can’t determine if he’s a boy or a girl. She assumes girl, what with that heinous high-pitched voice.
But, the show that makes me want to turn to drink is Barbie. My daughter discovered “Barbie Shorts” on Netflix and it’s the most mind-sucking, brain-polluting garbage you’ve ever seen. Ken is clearly gay, which means we could be tight, but he’s definitely not feeling Barbie. Barbie manages to pull off complicated parties despite being a vacuous moron. And they decided to give Barbie an arch nemesis who is a slutty looking brunette who probably works nights at Mons Venus. (Because brunettes are obviously inferior and trashy in Barbie world)
Here’s the rub: Once your children graduate to movies where they can finally sit still and you’re super excited to watch incredible effects in Wall-E or get sucked into the storyline in Rango, you get to the end, feeling satisfied … until your toddler says, “LET’S WATCH IT AGAIN!”
Living The American Scream 