We have hundreds of television channels. 90% of them are showing things that are inappropriate for my children to view.

When I was a kid the raciest thing I ever saw on our six channels was Baywatch.

baywatch

*I’ll be ready, I’LL BE REEADDY!*

Now, the magic screen flickers with unpredictable images of threesomes, boobs and man butts.

Plots centered on high schoolers having abortions, real housewives beating each other up and Bachelors having sex in the ocean with one of 27 “lucky” ladies.

juan pablo

It makes the controversial plots of the late 80’s and early 90’s laughable.

I remember feeling nauseous and uncomfortable when Allie found a condom in Chip’s pocket on Kate and Allie.

condom allie

There was the infamous episode of Diff’rent Strokes when Dana Plato’s character had bulimia.

bulimia

We can thank Canada for tackling tough topics like teen drug use and divorce on Degrassi Junior High.

My kids aren’t old enough to need the “child lock” but I am starting to think they need to make one for grownups.

“Watch Mad Men without gratuitous sex scenes! See Dexter without ever having to see Dexter’s derriere!”

While our biggest current concern is making sure the kids aren’t replicating the abuse Tom and Jerry subject each other to, there’s also Victoria’s Secret ads to subtly teach my daughter the appeal of protruding hip bones and anorexia.

victoria's secret

Model or genocide survivor?

Thank GOD that we can now fast forward through all of the commercials, which are more graphic and offensive than anything we were forced to watch between shows as kids.

I was banned from watching Three’s Company because of their “inappropriate living arrangement.”

three's company

Now, you can watch two guys and a chick get it on in the shower on what’s supposed to be a thriller about a serial killer.

the following

We had true drama with Mary Ingalls going blind on Little House on the Prairie.

The Cosby Show, where the most offensive thing was those Coogi sweaters.

coogi

The hot chicks on television: Becca from Life Goes On and Winnie Cooper. If you were a real perv it was Kelly Bundy.

Now Hannah Montanas transform into Miley Cyruseseses. (yeah, I couldn’t figure out the apostrophe) Britney Spears turned into… Britney Spears.

mileybritney

Want a chuckle? America’s Funniest Home Videos is still hilarious even though the clips are from the early 80’s.

Now, you can giggle at the guy from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia putting his dick through a hole in the wall in an attempt to have intercourse with a stranger.

glory hole

Feel dirty yet? I do.

How did we go from the seven castaways of Gilligan’s Island to the seven strangers picked to live in a house to the seven strangers having an orgy in a jacuzzi in Vegas? It was like ‘take one down, pass it around’ with roommates on the Real World.

I blame a cartoon for the downfall of American television. Beavis and Butthead. It’s all their fault.

beavis and butthead

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