(As in: everything makes you want to, and your kids do nothing but)

Category Archives: Children diet

I have an Easter hangover and it has nothing to do with alcohol.

I’ve had the revelation that far too many holidays or special occasions involve parents not sleeping.

Christmas: Buying presents without the children knowing about it is nearly impossible unless you shop online. Then you open the boxes to discover damaged goods, wrong sizes etc. but it’s too late to send it back and get the right stuff on time.

You also have to hide the wrapping paper or you will end up concocting some bullshit story about Santa having the room for a bazillion gazillion presents, but needing the hookup on wrapping paper.

You spend all night stuffing stockings, putting presents under the tree so your kids can wake you up before dawn and destroy EVERYTHING you worked so hard on.

wrapping paper

The Tooth Fairy: It’s the ultimate test of your parenting ninja skills. You have to be sure they’re soundly asleep and then sneak like a burglar into their room and steal something under their pillow. If THAT doesn’t wake them up, then you have another shot when you place the actual money under the pillow.

ninja

Easter: Again, waiting until the kids fall asleep so you can put candy in Easter eggs and hide them all over the house.

The kids literally have chocolate for breakfast. I caught my son sneaking chocolate eggs on his own several times before 9am. He had a chocolate clown face smile.

clown smile

Then, it’s off to abuela’s house where she has jelly beans and cupcakes and ice cream. The kids are eating bunny shaped lollypops and skipping naptime.

lollypop

Back at home that night, it’s a complete fiasco. They’re hopped up on sugar, bouncing off the walls, refusing to eat any real food or take a bath.

My husband actually started to time it during dinner. They could only go about 5 to 10 minutes between crying jags.

By the time they finally go to bed (kicking and screaming) I am starting to get a sore throat.

This morning, I wake up sick and am so tired at work my eyes are rolling back in my head like I’m possessed by a demon.

Three cups of crappy station coffee later and I feel like I’m having a panic attack. I’m pacing back and forth in the break room like a zoo animal held captive too long. My leg has Parkinson’s. It’s doing a solo Lindy Hop.

lindy hop

Last night I asked my husband, “Did they have fun?”

What I am really asking is, “Did they have fun, because I’m in holiday hell right now and if they DIDN’T have fun we are officially becoming Atheists so we don’t EVER have to celebrate a holiday again!!”

The first word out of my son’s mouth this morning, “Chocolate.” He can’t even pronounce his own name properly, but says “chocolate” with impeccable diction.

huck chocolate

From now on we will only celebrate National Lazy Day.  It involves not cooking, not cleaning, not consuming sugar, remaining horizontal and periodic naps. At this moment, I despise all of you childless bastards because you can have Lazy Day WHENEVER YOU WANT.

LazyDay

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My daughter tried Cracker Jack for the first time yesterday while I took her on a bike ride.

I told her that there was a surprise at the bottom.

cracker jack

She responded, “Probably a lot of peanuts.”

Smartass.


Everyone knows that what people post on social media sites isn’t actually an accurate snapshot of your life.

You put your best foot forward, your best pic posted.

It’s all smoke and mirrors.

This is never more true than for parents of toddlers.

Here are pictures of my husband and I on daycare date night.

dinner outrolando dinner out

It might look like we’re having a lovely evening, but we actually spent the entire dinner try to hail our waitress. We watched other diners arrive, be served and finish dinner and we couldn’t even get a second round of Sake.

That b*&ch interrupted our Sake cycle.

Instead of riveting conversation, we were busy glowering at the staff, pleading with our eyes for assistance from the hostess. (who was equally oblivious to our plight)

I considered luring her by dangling our food because she was all skin and bones, but my husband noted that she clearly wasn’t interested in eating. Maybe Meth would’ve worked?

The next morning, here’s a picture of my precious daughter hugging my dog. (Yes, he looks terrified. He’s old, partially blind and has Addison’s Disease. He’s always terrified.)

alma hugs del

What you don’t see is my son screaming in the background because he’s sick. Our punishment for a miserable night on the town was waking up early to face a feverish toddler.

My son is a real jerk when he’s sick.

I feel bad that he doesn’t feel well, but I don’t exactly feel like babying him when he’s constantly trying to throw heavy objects at my head and screaming “NO WAY” when I’m not even touching him or talking to him.

huck is sick

A fun day at the park? I think not.

playground2

It poured the night before so the whole playground was a soggy, mulchy mess.

We had to cut it short when my son decided to run full speed through a mud puddle in canvas shoes.

I did find it amusing that Alma wouldn’t stop berating an older girl who was playing barefoot in the mud.

“She’s gonna get her pants wet! She doesn’t have shoes on! She can’t go in the puddles!”

Her mom was nearby.

I just said, “That’s up to her and her mommy or daddy to decide honey.” (as I continued to yell at my kids to stay out of the puddles… awkward, awkward, awkward)

Here’s what else there AREN’T pictures of:

1) Our kids both instantly falling asleep as we drive off for lunch, so we have to drive around for an hour being quiet.

2) My son crying when we have to wake him up because we HAVE TO EAT.

3) My son demanding to walk outside while we’re trying to eat at Chilis, throwing all food offered to him across the room. (even slimy segments of mandarin oranges)

4) Mommy downing two margaritas.

5) Daddy saying he needs to work on the computer and mommy nearly having a nervous breakdown considering time alone with the kids.

So, I took Alma to buy white poster board to draw on with markers outside.

Look how adorable she was playing with the neighborhood kids.

poster board

What you don’t see:

1) Huck stealing all balls from the neighbor’s garage. Bouncy balls, plastic softballs, a football.

2) Huck repeatedly kicking said balls toward the road.

3) Alma looking shocked and appalled when the neighbor’s little girl wouldn’t let her have a turn at basketball. (awkward, awkward, awkward)

So, we go back inside and I serve up the kids an enviable spread of fresh fruit, Gouda and ham.

fruit spread

We watch Monsters Inc. for the 30th time.

I give the kids a bath, which means I get soaked from head to toe, chase around a naked maniac who refuses to put on a diaper and occasionally pisses on the carpet and manhandle my cranky daughter who screams at me to get her into her PJ’s and then screams even louder that she CAN DO IT HERSELF!

At this point, my husband is still on the effing computer and I shout downstairs, “Are you DONE YET?”

He storms up and says no, but takes over. So, then I feel like a shitty wife.

My husband can’t get his work done and I am already trying to figure out if enough time has passed since lunch for me to start drinking alcohol again.

Let’s just say the night ended with me breaking my diet to eat a Lean Cuisine and my husband telling me I had purple teeth. Wine drinkers feel me.

No pictures of that folks.

Smoke and mirrors friends.


I just started on the HCG diet again.

I like to disaffectedly refer to it as the Help Control the Gut diet.

I won’t bother describing it. It works, removing fat from all of the right places during an insanely short amount of time.

It sounds awesome, if you don’t mind being perpetually exhausted and on the verge of passing out.

fainting

There are a plethora of subversive ways my life plots to derail the diet.

I go to my mother-in-law’s house and the evening begins with beer, nachos and queso. My father-in-law doesn’t even ask, just hands me a beer. I mean, when do I EVER say no to a beer?

corona

Cuban weekends revolve around Corona.

My daughter asks me to blow on her nacho cheese which means I will inevitably have to touch it with my tongue or lips to be sure it’s not too hot. Biggest tease ever.

alma food

Thankfully no one notices I am steadily chugging water. I had no idea you could grow to HATE water.

The endless course meal moves on to toasted bread with olive spread. My mother-in-law asks me if I like sun dried tomatoes. I say yes, but I won’t be having any because because I am back on the dreaded diet. (She is aware of how said wretched diet works)

She says, “NO, no, no. I cooked all of this food. You are going to eat. No, no. You have to eat.”

I never know how to respond to statements like that. “Uh, no?” Awkward, awkward, awkward.

Then I get to watch as everyone eats rice and chicken along with assorted goodies, the kids sneaking Hershey’s Kisses and cookies.

Yesterday, I meet my husband and the kids at our favorite waterfront dive for lunch and he immediately slides a beer over and says, “This is yours.”

So sweet, yet so evil.

I had to push it back and instead choke down a drink with Club Soda that tastes like lighter fluid and is actually a “cheat” on the diet.

lighter fluid

My daughter is great at sharing. I am so proud and so sick of her trying to force-feed me gold fish, fish sticks and mac n’ cheese.

Now, the world begins to conspire against me. We turn the clocks ahead an hour. My son is up late coughing and crying because he’s sick. My daughter wakes up from a nightmare at midnight demanding milk.

daylight

I drive to work, eyes half closed drinking black coffee. (which is allowed, but no other food until noon)

This means I am still falling asleep at work AND the coffee is shredding my stomach.

coffee

At lunchtime I have to walk past the vending machines to get to my pathetic portion of meat and veggies in the fridge. I NEVER notice the vending machines until I am on this diet. Now, I would stab a bitch for a corn chip.

corn chips

Salivating now.

Newsrooms are notorious for cakes, cookies, cupcakes, chocolate and everything bad. People just plunk it down on a desk for anyone to take, free of charge. Today, no naughty free crap trying to lure me away from the diet. But, someone has already offered me a Watchamacallit.

So, I sit here lips burning and fingers sticky from peeling an orange. I hate peeling oranges more than most people hate cleaning the toilet.

oranges

This NEVER happens, ok? Never.

I have already started dreaming about carbs. I literally dreamed I was eating Tofu Woon Sen. It’s just vegetables, tofu and clear noodles… a meal most would consider “healthy.”

tofu woonsen

I could write an epic poem about Tofu Woon Sen.

For me, it’s one more pair of pants I have to abandon forever to the widening abyss of items to donate to Goodwill that is my closet. It’s a living, breathing, gaping chasm, hungry for more.

But, not as hungry as I am right now.

I’ve never done crack or heroin, but carbs can’t be that far behind. I would eat uncooked grains of rice or raw pasta. I would snort bread crumbs.

carbs

Keep me away from all sharp objects.


I could create a life timeline purely using memories involving fast food.

I remember the first Champ Burger I ever ate from Checkers.

checkers

The fast food chain had just arrived in St. Petersburg and my mom stopped there while we headed to one of my brother’s soccer tournaments.

It’s not that it was anything amazing, but it’s a moment I relive if I ever have a Champ Burger now.

I can feel my legs itch from the summer grass, the sweaty hair tucked behind my ears and the tingle of the start of a sunburn on my cheeks.

The Filet-o-fish sandwich from Mcdonald’s brings back memories of trips to the dentist.

filet o fish

My mother used to reward me with them after every single trip to get cavities filled or braces tightened.

Now when I eat one, I can feel the numbness and struggle of trying to eat them after getting Novocain.

Subway was the food of choice when my father and I started doing Sunday lunch after my parents got divorced. I would get the 6 inch Cold Cut Combo and we would sit on a bench in a public park, talking awkwardly about the happenings in my teenage life. If I got that sandwich now, it would inevitably bring back the smell of the bread people would toss to the ducks nearby, something I did with my father even longer ago.

feeding ducks

It might not qualify as fast food, but I would be remiss not to mention Coke Slurpees. While my first serious high school boyfriend introduced me to them, my relationship with this sacred beverage was solidified with the help of my then best friend, Marisa. We had a deal. When she came to my house to run through lines for plays (we were theatre geeks) she would bring along Coke Slurpees and Reese’s Pieces. I would return the favor when we rehearsed at her house.

COKE SLURPEE

Eventually Coke Slurpees were paired with Cheddar Cheese Combos on trips home after the beach.

Then they became how I survived pregnancy sans alcohol.

HUCK SLURPEE

Comparing Huxley’s size to the Slurpee

Coke Slurpees are my crack. I don’t think I could ever give them up. I’ve tried.

If it wasn’t the worst idea EVER I would consider getting a Coke Slurpee tattoo. It’s the longest love of my life.

Also in high school, nothing compared to ditching for lunch and hitting up the Wendy’s with friends. Those ketchup containers are THE BEST.

ketchup holder

Then, there’s my time in Miami, spent working the overnight shift in news, drinking an inordinate amount of alcohol and never sleeping.

We could call that my “Drunkin’ Donuts” period.

drunkin donuts

I once had a DD and showed up at the Dunkin’ Donuts on Biscayne all slovenly and ordered sloppily, “Can I have a ham, egg and cleeeeeese?” The employee rolled her eyes.

ham egg cheese

HAM, EGG…

John-Cleese

… AND CLEEEEEESE.

There is a point to all of my greasy, fattening, sugary reminiscing.

Why do we try so hard to deny our children these standout fast food memories?

Why are we so hell bent at keeping them from the joy of speedy, nasty goodness?

I know, I know… America is plagued by the morbidly obese.

We’re the embarrassing mu mu¬†wearing midwesterners to the rest of the world.

mu mus

But, they call it a “Happy Meal” for a reason. It makes… you… HAPPY. I’m referring to the old-school ones.

No kid has ever cheered for apple slices and milk.

Granted, my children are still at the age where they prefer to dismantle fast food so it starts to resemble the REAL food it was made with. Alma wants a slab of meat and a piece of cheese, not a cheeseburger.

But, whether it’s Pizza Hut after football games or Taco Bell for Friday the 13th movie marathons, just about everybody has a memory tied to fast food.

So, give your kid a cheesburger.

Give them a memory to last a lifetime.


My daughter has undiagnosed OCD. Or maybe all toddlers are just batshit crazy.

You know the little loop on the back of toddler shoes? My daughter has a massive meltdown if it’s not tucked in. She won’t let me cut them off, they must be tucked in. And if they don’t stay tucked in, it becomes a temper tantrum every few minutes.

shoe loop

She has to have 3 of everything. 3 headbands, 3 stuffed animals to sleep with and 3 “rinse and spits” after she brushes her teeth.

alma headband

She recently forced me to take a fancy church dress and lay it over her feet in bed and then cover it with the bedspread. I have no idea why.

She refuses to wear any shirt or sweater with a raised flower on it.

Lights on, door open, blanket on to sleep. If these strict requirements aren’t met, there will be hell to pay. Do not test her or she will punish you with new demands of computer time, a Christmas movie in January or heaven forbid, a tea party.

alma sleeping

As I mentioned in previous posts, she needs to be carried like a baby from the bathtub and refuses to walk down the stairs because it makes her “feet hurt.”

Spaghetti can only have butter on it, no red sauce whatsoever. Nothing should be tainted with parmesan cheese. Banana bread shall have no nuts. Egg McMuffins are great if you remove the ham so she can eat the egg white and scrape the cheese off the muffins, which are promptly tossed to the dogs. Olives are sinful. Eating green beans means separating them and only consuming the tiny bean portions inside. Frosting is fantastic, but the rest of the cupcake is bullshit.

When she’s sleepy, she needs complete quiet. When she wakes up, she is the devil.

Here are the advantages of having a moderately neurotic toddler:

She’s never going to run into traffic. She’s too busy telling ME to be careful and watch out for cars.

We will never forget to buckle her in the car, because she screams if you wait too long.

alma buckled

We will never forget her IN the car, because if we get our son out first she will completely lose her shit. “You forgot me!!!”

She’s going to love flossing her teeth. She tries to all the time already.

She will never be filthy, because a single hair stuck on her hand is a crisis.

But, whatever makes her this way has to be the same thing that inspires her to randomly say “I love you” or hug me for no apparent reason. Whatever makes her this way also makes her hysterically funny, sweet to her brother and exceptionally smart. This morning when she was looking out the bathroom window in the dark, I asked her if she could see anything. She said, “My ferlection!” (reflection.. close enough for me to consider her brilliant) I love my eccentric little girl.

alma sweet