I am a horrible cook.

It has only taken me 34 years to figure that out. Over three decades and the straw that broke the camel’s back was dished up by my ungrateful children.

Last night, I made meatloaf, mashed potatoes and corn. The meatloaf is my mama’s recipe which I tweaked with a little Paula Deen diced tomato action.

As always, I serve the family first, then dish myself up a colder, congealing version for myself.

As I am making my plate, I hear my daughter say (before taking a bite) “I don’t like this!”

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My husband says, “Me neither.”

I walk over and give Huck a bite and ask if he likes it. He shakes his head no.

Meatloaf is easy, but it takes a long time to cook so it’s already after 7pm and my family is boycotting my food.

I speed down Hillsborough Avenue, tears streaming down my cheeks to buy a Hot ‘N Ready cheese pizza.

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I return to cheers of, “Mommy’s back with pizza!!”

I guzzle red wine, hold back tears and choke down my food with resentment.

It was not bad meatloaf.

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It had peppers and onions.

That was my great failure, the unholy insult to their digestive tracts.

I have made spaghetti with real homemade meat sauce, chicken quesadillas, pineapple teriyaki chicken, sweet and sour meatballs, fried rice with honey teriyaki chicken, pesto pasta and just about anything else I can think of that children and a carnivore husband will consume and they think it’s ALL CRAP.

The real burn?

I actually think the shit tastes good. Maybe my tastebuds are busted.

It’s not just that the kids are picky or my husband has a profound aversion to vegetables.

They adore HIS cooking. Ropa Vieja, black beans and rice, Picadillo, Bistec Empanizado, beef stew… I could keep going. It’s all Cuban and it’s all amazing to the kids.

I happen to have already OD’d on Cuban food and prefer the more bland white folk meals, preferably meatless.

I think casseroles are cool.

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I think I’m DONE cooking.

Boston Market, baby! Fish sticks and Mac n’ cheese. Hot ‘N Ready and breakfast for dinner. (cereal, because it doesn’t require a frying pan)

So, you’re probably wondering why this is a topic that would make me cry like a little bitch and shrink down into invisibility, diving into a pit of black, sticky despair.

I have come to the realization that I am old.

I am not a skinny, hot young thang anymore. I am all grays, crows feet and stretched out waist bands.

I am Renee Zellweger’s after picture without the plastic surgery.

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I am not a driven, dedicated Journalist.

I am the guy wearing jeans and plaid, guzzling caffeine and just trying to get there on time.

I am not a quirky, acerbic, offbeat, indie chick with great hair.

I am a MOM.

That is my great accomplishment.

Just cause you squeeze them out like a champ (I really was quite fantastic at pregnancy and childbirth) doesn’t mean that you are an ace at being a parent. That’s now apparent.

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I can control my temper, I kick ass at storytime, I am the ultimate caregiver when it comes to boo boos, vomit and general malaise.

But, I grew up thinking that if you can’t cook, you don’t belong in the kitchen and if you don’t belong in the kitchen, you might want to consider choosing a career-driven life over procreation.

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So, here I am. Welcome to my mid-life crisis. I am 34 and suck at everything.

Well, at least everything anyone would ever notice.

I’m a voracious reader, a real bibliophile. So, there’s that.

Good to know I truly excel at something that won’t ever put a dime in the bank or benefit anyone other than myself.

I’m starting a support group: Mom’s Who Can’t Cook, or Do Just About Anything Else Well.

Who’s in?

(p.s. I threw away all of the leftover meatloaf, tupperware and all. It was all I could do to keep from burning it in the backyard.)

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