What I miss about life B.C. (before children)

1) Lunch at Benihana


Who has that kind of money to spend on lunch? Now it’s t.v. dinners or whatever the kids refused to eat the night before.

2) Suntanning


Seriously, check out that TAN.

Now, it’s periodic sunburns and farmer’s tans in-between the many months spent so white I appear to be related to a guppy. You can see my insides!

3) Shopping at Urban Outfitters
Shopping now is a trip to Target with toddlers whining to go into the big cart and then back out of the big cart and climbing my legs and buying stuff off the rack without trying it on because going into a dressing room with toddlers is kind of like taking a casual stroll through the temple of doom.

4) Tearing it up at the club


The only photo of me in a club that seems to exist. Circa 2006

Now I just get super excited about the season finale of Bates Motel and an opportunity to steal some of the kid’s Easter candy.

5) Working out EVERY DAY

My brain addled by parenting and years of lost sleep, I forgot my gym bag at home last night. I opted for dusting the cobwebs off the elliptical in the garage. The kids ended up demanding to watch me workout, which really means Alma asking me 300 questions about the contents of the garage and nearly crushing my son with the foot pedal of the elliptical. (Which is now rocking from side to side from overuse)

6) Waking up…. and then going back to sleep

There is really nothing that compares to the opportunity to KEEP SLEEPING. Now, the only way it happens is if my husband and I take turns. (take turns trying to keep the kids quiet… impossible… and trying desperately to ignore the sound of their tantrums… also impossible)

Why not get drunk every night because you WILL feel hungover regardless.

7) Cuddling with my dog


My poor O.B. (original baby) has long since forgotten what it feels like to be truly loved and adored. Because he doesn’t wiggle incessantly, flick me in the face or demand something the second we sit down, I miss it too.

8) My husband


We used to stay up late making stupid jokes and giggling, things like “lying down dancing” in bed to the hilarious pornographic sounding ringtone on my phone. There ain’t nothing funny enough to lose precious minutes of sleep for anymore.

But, alas… if I didn’t have my children I would be bored, often lonely and absolutely MISERABLE.

So, there’s that.