The most commonly heard phrase in our household used to be “I love you.”

Now, it’s “Go to bed.”

Our children are trying to slowly destroy us with interrupted sleep.

In the middle of the night my daughter started horror movie shrieking from her bedroom. I rushed in to find her placidly playing with crayons. She calmly asked, “Can I have a glass of water please?”

Her screaming disturbed Huck, so within a few minutes as I am just about to drift off to sleep, he strolls into our room and says in an outside voice, “Daddy? Daddy? Daddy?”

For absolutely no reason.

My husband and I shout nearly in unison, “GO TO BED!”

I can only think of two things worse than being awoken by my children: A fire alarm or being waterboarded.

waterboarded

I love sleep. Why don’t my kids? Or maybe the better question is WHY DO OUR CHILDREN HATE US?

Why else would they refuse to sleep through the night when they are so far beyond infancy?

You know how in movies sometimes, it seems so sweet when the parents rushes to their child’s bedroom to calm their fears after a nightmare?

nightmare

It’s not cute. It IS the nightmare.

And now my husband is harboring not so secret resentment toward me because I am a sound sleeper.

heavy sleeper

Oh, I am fully aware that the mumbled f-bombs and sh-bombs are for me.

Hey, if I were wearing ear plugs I’d be a bad parent. But, it’s not my fault that after 3 years of not getting enough sleep my subconscious has tuned out MEANINGLESS SHRIEKING.

Even if I do wake up, it takes me infinitely longer to get the kids back to sleep. I guess something about mommy screams “party time!”

But, I can’t just tell my husband at 4 a.m. “Honey, you’re so much BETTER at putting them back to sleep.”

Heaven forbid there is ever an actual emergency involving my kids. I will shoot out of bed like a zombie and shout, “GO TO BED!”

zombie mommy

 

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