I used to be hot, dangit. I used to be able to struggle with which bikini looked “coolest.”
Now, I spend hours searching online for a bathing suit with full coverage. If I look all “vintagy” this summer, it’s not a style choice.
I once wore a men’s polo shirt and a casual skirt to a gas station to grab pizza and got ogled for all the right reasons. Now, if anyone is staring it’s because that kind of casual look makes me look like I might be about to ask for money or crack.
This was me. No, really. It was.
I used to be able to drink 4 beers and never once consider the calorie content.
Now, I feel guilty about a single Mich Ultra.
I understand that between having two children and… well, let’s face it, getting older… your body is going to change.
When we were facing the real possibility of not being able to conceive, I prayed to God, “Please give me a baby. Take my body! Make me fat, just give me a baby!” Now, it’s like… “Just kidding, God… can I have my body back now?”
I was once insulted by an ex who said (while we were dating), “I’m done dating hot girls.”
A guy at work said, “She’s cute, except for those eyebrows.”
Another said, “She has a nice… face.”
Those kind of comments used to destroy me. (clearly, I still remember them plain as day)
Now, I would be like “Hey, he’s just into SMART, classy, pretty chicks.” “He said I’m cute!” “I have a nice face!”
I used to fish for compliments.
Now, I fish for reassurance.
I want to shop for clothes that express my personality.
But, my personality is still a 125-pound, uber tan waif who is 22 and childless. Can’t quite pull off the cutoffs and bra-less tank tops anymore.
I know, I know… My husband loves me and I’m not exactly morbidly obese. But, can’t I go back in time and tell my former self to appreciate my hotness? And then, can’t I tell that former self to workout even harder so that someday squeezing out a couple of kids wouldn’t change my body chemistry so dramatically that I can’t even comfortably wear shorts in public?
It all happened so fast. Over the course of just a handful of years it was like bam… husband… bam… baby… bam… another baby… and then WAH WAH… what happened?
Still skinny.
I am being dramatic and self-loathing, which is also unattractive and makes me feel even worse. Vicious cycle.
New post-baby prayer: “God, please give me time. Time to workout every day, so I don’t continue on this depressing road toward over-sized shirts, fanny packs and kankles. I promise I won’t get a full-sleeve tattoo!”
Living The American Scream 
Nicole
I don’t know you but I bet when your hair is messily pulled up and you’re wearing a tank top with cotton jersey shorts and no makeup and your husband looks at you while you’re holding & smiling at one of your babies; he thinks about how lucky he is to have such an amazing, loving, & gorgeous wife. Go back in time and tell your former 22 year old hot self that by the time you are 30 something your going to have all that matters in life…granted in exchange for a few not so important things such as time and size 2 shorts but nevertheless I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t trade anything you have now for what you had then. Am I right? In the meantime, take those babes for walks and do planks everyday, you will get there sweetheart.
ScreamerDreamer
Well-said Nicole! I adore my children and wouldn’t trade them for anything… not even being able to rock skinny jeans again. 😉
Shannon
Hey look at it on the bright side. I have been self conscious and struggled with my weight my entire life, whereas at least you had some happy times 😉 I won’t even wear bathing suits! Even though I am back down to my prepregnancy weight and size my body will never look the same after carrying 14lbs of baby, so hang in there, you are not alone. Cheers!
the bull and the babe blog
I hear ya! And I still rock the skinny jeans… I just wear a cute little dress over them now you can’t see my bookshelf ass and my had-a-kid-8-months-ago-and-haven’t-thought-about-doing-a-situp-since-belly. ♥