You probably had people warn you in advance that having children was going to dramatically change your life.

You probably thought, yeah I know, I know… no more partying until 3 a.m. No more sleeping in until 10 a.m.

Maybe you even considered that it would be more difficult to take a quick run to the corner store, considering you’ll be schlepping a car seat or a kid that falls asleep every single time the car moves for more than a block.

huck sleeping

But, they don’t tell you it’s the little things you can’t do anymore that cut like a knife.

I just want to shave my legs. Wearing jeans every day of my life isn’t a fashion statement, it’s a necessity.

hairy legs

I just want to paint my nails. I spend the better half of every week with chipped nails that make me look like a hooker who also works with heavy machinery.

I just want to workout. We try to swap workout days, but whenever I’m on the elliptical, in the garage, even with earphones I can hear them screaming inside the house. It’s tough to do serious crunches when you are considering the very real possibility someone has broken into your home and is slashing your family to bits. At least that’s what the screams sound like to me.

Susan Strasberg in Seth Holt's SCREAM OF FEAR (1961). Courtesy P

I don’t want to sleep in until 10 anymore. I want to sleep for 8 consecutive hours before I die. I want to sleep in until 8 in the morning. I want the sound of birds chirping to signal the start to the day, not a kid shrieking.

blue bird on my shoulder

Why do they do that anyway? Wake up crying for absolutely no reason. I mean, I want to cry when I get up but that’s because I don’t have a choice. They do. They can sleep in, but they don’t. Instead, they wake up crying like a creature is nibbling the tips of their toes off and they desperately need you to rush to the rescue and slay the beast.

I just want to watch a movie. One with cursing and sex and gore and everything my kids are not allowed to witness and I don’t want it to be interrupted 5 times by a crying kid who can’t seem to sleep without smacking their head against the edge of the bed. Or a kid that falls out of their bed. We actually had to put those pool noodles inside the sheets to try and keep our daughter from falling out of her bed. Guess what, she still does. It’s like she sleep climbs over them and throws herself head first into the floor, just to spite us.

I just want to use the restroom without one or the other child kicking the door 20 times in a row or asking, “what are you doing in there?” Even if they do leave me alone, I can usually hear them within seconds asking my husband, “Where’s mommy?”

locked bathroom

But, what I want more than anything is to spend some time alone with my husband. Every time we hang out for more than a half an hour somewhere without the children, it’s like going on a first date. I’m like, “Hey, I kinda like this guy. He’s funny and smart.” If we hang out for more than an hour I’m like, “Hey, he’s pretty hot.”

old date pic

Before you have kids you’re like, we’ll get a babysitter or have the in-laws watch the kids. After you have kids you realize that getting someone to watch your kids just means you have a chance to rush home and clean the house that’s been collecting dog hair and filth for weeks. I could seriously create a life-sized version of our dogs with the amount of hair they shed in a week. It’s like a chihuahua a day.

So, yeah… they say everything is going to change when you have children. What they really mean is EVERY THING. If you don’t have kids now, don’t waste time partying. Shave your legs and paint your nails!

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