All I want to do is make a pine cone bird feeder with my kids.
I snagged two pine cones on a bike ride a week ago.
We’ve got the peanut butter.
I got bird seed at the grocery store. (It’s for parrots, but can they REALLY tell the difference?)
I got yarn to hang it with from my sister-in-law in the hopes that the birds won’t choke to death on some tougher kind of string. (blue yarn can’t be great either, but at least I’m considering their health)
Now, when will I have the time to do this?
Never.
The current state of things has allowed for a complete lazification of parenting. (yeah, I made that word up.)
We’re ALL working. We have NO TIME.
Hate making lunch for your kids? There’s Lunchables.
Want to avoid any paint or marker stains on your furniture or table tops? Invisible ink markers!
Hate spending hours shopping for bloomers for toddlers that don’t exist because suddenly it’s a.o.k. for little girls to go flaunting their My Little Pony skivvies on the playground? ONLINE SHOPPING.
Life has gotten so convenient. Too convenient.
I want to have kids that have fingerpaint trapped under their nails.
I want my kids to be like, “Dang, my mom sent me to school with carrot sticks!”
The other day as I strolled through Target with my 3-year old fashionista, I realized I absolutely love shopping with her. I LOVE it. She points out 300 things she wants and I deny all but one. This is so much better than me buying 6 things she will NEVER wear.
I’m not saying I want to be June Cleaver, but it would be nice if we could bleach sand dollars or make bracelets or just make those stupid pine cone bird feeders already.
And here comes Easter.
I adored Easter as a child. Not the whole going to a super long church service to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ, but dyeing Easter eggs was ahm-azing.
I can still smell the vinegar.
We had egg salad for a week.
It was way more fun hunting for hard-boiled eggs that were starting to sweat in the Florida heat than finding plastic eggs filled with sugary shit. (Seriously)
No time to put together an Easter basket for the kids? Well, they put them together for you now at the Walgreens.
Feel compelled to put a little energy and thought into it? Target has an entire section dedicated to Easter and every other seasonal holiday.
I feel like I might as well just take my kids there and say, “Go ahead. Pick your Easter out.”
Are you a terrible gift wrapper? Who wraps gifts anymore? Don’t you know EVERYBODY is now just throwing stuff in a store bought bag and shoving some colored tissue paper in there?
BAM. Best parent EVER.
Or not. You just stole the very best part of a birthday celebration. Everyone knows unwrapping a gift is the ultimate kid high.
I’m gonna get on that bird feeder. And buy wrapping paper. Dangit.
Living The American Scream 