My kid has a stalker.

She just turned 4 and she already has an obsessive little boy following her everywhere at daycare.

She told me his name is Andrew and that even if she is talking to someone else or playing with someone else, he is right there next to her.

stalker

She said it like it was the most annoying thing EVER.

She also told me he was the only friend from school she wanted to invite to her birthday party. (Which is just around the corner at… 10 months away.)

I told her that the next time I drop her off at school or pick her up, she should introduce me to Andrew so I can firmly explain to him that little girls don’t prefer a male shadow. A crappy drawing of a unicorn will do.

I consider this to be a more appropriate response than the ones my husband typically has.

Recently, I dropped Alma off at school at the butt-crack of dawn. The only kids there were the children of the cranky, neanderthal daycare worker, the one with the bad weave who clearly despises my children and therefore me.

Her biggest kid was sitting right by the front door and the second I opened it, he looked up at Alma and said with a sneer, “Oh, it’s her.”

He then proceeded to inform me that Alma spit on him at the playground the previous day.

I asked her if it was true and she ignored me, her facial expression instantly placid and pleased.

alma playground

I shrugged at the kid and moved on.

I didn’t feel so bad considering a few moments later this Lionel Tate-sized boy knocked over a tall cubby that could’ve easily crushed a child.

When I told my husband about the “spitting accusation” he said what I was already thinking.

The kid was asking for it. The kid spit on her first or pushed her. Or she was just giving him a good-natured raspberry.

Not my kid.

Alma is batshit crazy, but only brings the vile, unacceptable assaults when provoked.

So, my husband tells Alma that if that boy ever does anything mean to her that he will go to the school, pick him up off the ground, twist his body into a pretzel and drop him on his head.

pretzel

A shit-eating grin spreads across Alma’s face and she says, “Okay.”

My husband has always had a tendency to be overprotective. It’s equal parts flattering and awkward.

My old college buddy wanted me to take him to his law school dance, an entirely platonic arrangement and my husband’s response to the Facebook post was, “The only way she’s going is if my swinging cock is going along for the ride.”

I burst out laughing and then considered how to best craft an apology on his behalf to my longtime pal.

It does the beg question, when can you intervene in your child’s personal life?

At her previous daycare, when she was just a wee little thing, Alma was a biter.

She never bit us, was never aggressive toward the dogs, but every couple of days we were “called into the office” because she took a chunk out of some kid’s arm.

surprise turn-up

It didn’t take long to figure out that she was only ever biting one girl and that one girl was a bit of a klepto, sometimes trying to literally steal the shoes off Alma’s feet.

The daycare kept pressuring me to teach Alma sign language, like somehow being able to sign the word “more” or “milk” would prevent her from gnashing her teeth at crawling thieves.

They even sent me home with a sign language book.

I had a sign for them too. It only required one finger.

Baby Sign Language

Fast forward a year and Alma was no longer cannibalizing kids and her favorite victim was her new bestie.

The lesson I took away from that: You don’t always need to get involved.

Kids just work shit out themselves.

Now, there’s a chronic biter in Alma’s class now and that’s just unacceptable.

He’s a walking, talking sneak attacker.

He’s probably “challenged.”

So, how do you explain that to your kid?

This was me FAILING:

“Uhhhh, I know you said he bites you all of the time, but he probably takes longer to learn than other kids about what is appropriate and what is not. He’s not as smart. He’s… uhhh… maybe not going to be in your class next year?”

Alma used to stand up at the kitchen table during dinner, bend over and drop it was like it’s hot, saying she was shaking her, “booty butt.”

twerk

It was a skill she learned from a chick at school.

Can’t call the poor kid “ghetto”, but I had to explain to my toddler that some kind of dancing is “nasty.”

I taught her “the twist” instead.

I want to like my kid’s friends.

I want them to be on their level intellectually and emotionally.

I don’t want to have to resist the urge to back-hand the little shitheels that hurt them.

I definitely don’t want my husband to go “dropping kids on their heads” as he is wont to do.

I guess all I can do is raise my own kids and hope for the best.

But, if I meet the stalker guy I might consider the pretzel move.

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